The old sinners of Yollingdales revisited

Reflection

This essay initially did not require much revision. However, it did need some restructuring and further development of some characters.
My biggest structure problem came with the dialog. I would start a new paragraph each time someone would begin talking and things either got confusing or the part had a bad, scratchy feel to it.
Here is an example from the essay:

All of a sudden, Corey the manager runs by looking furious. He stops abruptly and at the top of his lungs and screams,
"PETEY! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND COME HELP ME!!!"

I should have put the two parts together in the same paragraph. This mistake repeated itself throughout the piece and needed to be dealt with. Other than this, I fixed up a few grammar issues, and made up a new title.
After working on the structuring, I added a few parts to further develop the seven deadly sins presented by the characters. Herbert, Harry, and George all got revamped. The plot of the story also got supplemented because of the character development.

Herbert's part got an expansion in the beginning:

“Harry what the hell is your problem?!” angrily questions Herbert.
“You! I’ve known assholes like you my whole life. Your cock is your brain! Always trying to get laid and never caring for the consequences. Can’t you see? She doesn’t want your old ass Herbert, fuck off!”
“You’re just mad I can actually talk to the ladies.” Herbert says proudly as he gets up from his armchair. Harry, with a hateful expression, gives the middle finger to Herbert’s back.
I think Harry's rhetoric adequately explains how Herbert is a a lusty pervert

I added a new part for George:

“Petey who’re you kiddin? You haven’t done an honest bit of work since I got here.” George laughs, “I nearly missed to take my pills twice ‘cause your lazy ass won’t get up to give em to me. I knew someone like you once back in Bastogne. I was a sergeant you know and a damn good one too. Led my men better than Patton, I was so good. ”
Corey walks around the corner. “George! You crazy old bastard, go back to your room! Petey, get that lazy ass back to WORK!” Corey shouts.
This definitely makes George exhibit the sin of pride.

Harry's reason for hating Herbert was also added (you have to actually read the piece though, citing it here will give too much away).

The overall feel of the paper now is that of mission accomplished. The seven deadly sins are all exhibited in a retirement home. Booya!

Here is the second, and probably last, revision:

The Seven Deadly Sins Never Retire

Today. “OHH yea,” says Herbert as he looks at Rebecca, a twenty-three year old nurse at Yollingdales retirement home, bending over to fix the television antennae.
Harry, sitting nearby, is disgusted. “Herbert, you pervert stop starring at her ass!”
Rebecca realizes Herbert’s evil scheme and begins to walk away half-amused, half-agitated.
“Harry what the hell is your problem?!” angrily questions Herbert.
“You! I’ve known assholes like you my whole life. Your cock is your brain! Always trying to get laid and never caring for the consequences. Can’t you see? She doesn’t want your old ass Herbert, fuck off!”
“You’re just mad I can actually talk to the ladies.” Herbert says proudly as he gets up from his armchair. Harry, with a hateful expression, gives the middle finger to Herbert’s back.
All of a sudden, Corey the manager runs by looking furious. He stops abruptly and at the top of his lungs and screams, “PETEY! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND COME HELP ME!!!”
The attendant in question falls flat off his chair, the magazine he was reading thrown into free-fall. He collects himself, and then hurries to catch up to his boss. Both make their way to Room 413 where already a buzzing crowd has gathered. “Let me through!” commands Corey
The room belongs to Frank Marongello. Upon entry, the pair is confronted with a wall of nauseous fumes that causes Petey to bring the top of his shirt over his nose. “Damn Jesus! The smell is unbearable” mutters Petey.
“Shut up!” Corey responds, rather savagely.
Frank’s room is dark and gives off a barren appearance. The floor is littered with old food containers and the once white carpet is yellow and stained. The place is sparsely furnished with a table in one corner and a bed in the other. On the bed lays a humongous man, his fat literally rolling off the sides of the yellowed mattress. Frank is a nasty fellow. His whitish-yellow wife-beater cannot accommodate his huge stomach, allowing the big, white, and hairy mountain that is his beer belly to protrude over it. He isn’t wearing any pants but instead a pair of brownish-white boxer briefs. Frank is bald and his features are all bloated. His face is snow white, the lips purple, and the eyes open but hidden behind the eyelids. It’s obvious he’s dead.
“Petey go call 911,” Corey says quietly.
“AWW do I have to?”
“GO YOU LAZY BASTARD! Or I swear ill rip you head off and stick it so far up your ass you’ll smell your throat.”
And with that bit of encouragement Petey leaves to call an ambulance.
Corey steps out of the room. The crowd outside is anxiously looking at him. “GET OUTTA HERE! He’s dead”

A Week Later. Paul is standing in front of his room. He looks at everyone walking by, no one makes eye contact.
Petey, making his rounds with the evening medicine, rolls his cart past Paul, doing his best not to be noticed.
“Oi Petey. Come ‘ere” Paul commands with a gruff voice. Petey looks uncomfortable as he approaches Paul. Paul continues, “Did ya get ma money?”
“No, not yet sir.” Petey says, shifting his weight nervously from one foot to another.
“Well hurry up boy! That fat slob shoulda paid me on time. No one takes ma stuff and don’t pay me.”
Petey remains silent, looking down.
“Alright you got a week kid. I want ma money. You feel me?”
“Yes Sir!”
“And what are you two conspirators yappin’ about?” George, an ex WWII vet asks opening the door to his room.
“Mind yo business George,” says Paul as he is closing his own door.
“Ah screw him. Say Petey, wanna hear a story about my days in the service?” asks George excitedly.
“Nah no thank you sir, I have to get back to work.”
“Petey who’re you kiddin? You haven’t done an honest bit of work since I got here.” George laughs, “I nearly missed to take my pills twice ‘cause your lazy ass won’t get up to give em to me. I knew someone like you once back in Bastogne. I was a sergeant you know and a damn good one too. Led my men better than Patton, I was so good. ”
Corey walks around the corner. “George! You crazy old bastard, go back to your room! Petey, get that lazy ass back to WORK!” Corey shouts.
Petey looks thankful for the opportunity to leave.
“Say Manager can I have a word?” George shouts back.
Corey walks up to George. “This better not waste my time. I don’t give a crap about your WWII days. What d’ya want?” Corey asks bluntly.
George looks annoyed but contains himself. “Whats the news on Frank?”
“I have no idea. The doctors say that he choked on something, they’re not certain though, the autopsy still needs to be done.”
“What a shame. He was huge, but he was a good man” George says thoughtfully. “I knew someone like him once. I saved him from three Nazi bastards back in ’44. Damn I was good. Shot all three in the head.”
“George, shut UP!” Corey says as he walks away impatiently.

Two Days Later. George ate bad crab at dinner the night before. It came back to haunt him and he found the nearest bathroom in order to relieve himself. Not five minutes into his crap, three pairs of shoes enter the bathroom. George remains silent and lifts his feet up in order not to get noticed. The three men begin to talk. George recognizes them to be Paul, Petey, and Harry.
“Here’s your money sir” Petey says.
“Finally, I was ‘bout to come by and ask ya” Paul says, sounding pleased.
“Wheres my cut?” viciously asks Harry.
“Hold the hell on! I gotta count it ‘n’ make sure the fatso didn’t eat any accidentally before he died.”
All of them laugh mirthlessly.
“Ohh man killing that tub of lard was way too easy. Walk in, put in a pill, walk out.” Harry says to Paul.
“Ha! I bet. That should teach the bastard to pay his debts. N’ Petey, nice job not doing a damn thing. Without yo lazy ass I dunno know how that pill woulda found its way into Frankie’s throat. Here’s yo cut.”
“Thank you sir.” Petey says gratefully and walks out.
“Now on to more pressing matters. When are you going to whack Herbert?” Harry asks malevolently.
“Patience for Christ’s sake! Why whack him? So much cheaper to jus’ scare him.”
“NO! I want that dick weed dead!”
“What in the world makes ya dislike the man so much?
“He keeps screwing with Rebecca. And the bitch keeps responding. That can’t happened.” Resentfully hisses Harry.
“Hot damn! That old age fried yo brain Harry.”
“Shut up and just whack him. You got a week, keep my cut until then. If you don’t do it in a week, I will.” Harry says as he leaves the bathroom.
“Fine, fine. Jealous bastard, whole home knows you gotta crush on that Rebecca. I’ll keep yo cut you messed up piece of shit, more money fo me.” Paul mutters to himself as he also leaves the bathroom.
As soon as the door closes George lets out an enormous sigh of relief and a huge groan as he releases the rest of the crab. He is stupefied. So that’s who killed Frank! I gotta hurry up and wipe my ass. Corey has to know! He thinks to himself.

That night two men were arrested. Two persons were also found dead. A young nurse of twenty-three named Rebecca and a sixty-nine year old resident of Yollingdales, Herbert, were brutally murdered in the same bathroom George unloaded his crab. Paul and Petey, the two arrested, are not suspects in the murders. One resident, Harry, was nowhere to be found.