Quick reflection:
After rereading the piece, I was actually surprised to find that did not have much to change. Initially, I thought the paper was horrible and needed extensive revision. Now, I realized that I was wrong. Although still requiring editing, the paper is not nearly as bad as I had envisioned it. It had a certain type of flow to it that needed to be protected or else a whole new paper needed to be done. Thus, I was careful with what I added and took out.
The introduction largely remained the same. the only major revision that I did was tweaking the ending sentence of the paragraph.
Before: His career began in 1980 when he helped find one of, if not the, most famous Russian rock groups called DDT.
After:. His fruitful career began in 1980 and has not stopped going.
To me, its simpleness better aids the flow. The intro adequately serves the purpose of drawing the reader in. The bold beginning sentence is probably it's strongest part.
I edited the history part of the essay, cutting out some unnecessary information. The history part is now sweet and to the point while at the same time presenting a clear overview of the musicians and groups history.
I guess the only major revision was the addition of a paragraph which analyzes my reasons for liking my musicians music. The paragraph on its own is solid enough. However, I worry over it's placement and overall relevance to the essay as a whole. Remember I mentioned the essay having a particular type of flow thats better left undisturbed? The paragraph does, however, add a layer to the paper and makes it that much more informational. It clearly presents the reason for why someone might enjoy Shevchuk's music. If I was to edit further, I would have to spend time fixing up some rough edges with the paragraph, particularly the ending, which does not go too well into the conclusion.
Combined, his lyrics, instruments, and tone create something unheard of anywhere else in the world.
From an obscure and troublesome beginning, Yuri Shevchuk was able to rise to the mountain top.
As can be seen the ending is a little too bristly for the beginning of the conclusion
The last thing that I am going to mention is the conclusion. I really enjoyed how I worded most of my previous conclusion and decided to keep it. I came up with a beginning sentence:
From an obscure and troublesome beginning, Yuri Shevchuk was able to rise to the mountain top.
A reference to MLK (yea I know, I'm a genius, no need to say it) and then added one more sentence before fusing the previous conclusion to it. I think it fits pretty good. Shevchuk as a person is summarized and a little insight into what he is doing right now is given. I attempted to draft several conclusions that would directly summarize the whole essay. In frustration with how out of tune with the paper they were, I deleted them without much thought. In the end, an informal conclusion actually did the job I wanted the conclusion to do.
Here is the revised essay:
Russia’s Greatest
Yuri Yulianovich Shevchuk is Russia’s greatest songwriter. His music has lasted through generations and embodies all of the feelings and troubles the Russian people went through from 1980 to the present. Shevchuk’s eloquent poetry-like lyrics hide deep and multisided interpretations of life, love, patriotism, religion, politics, and consciousness in the Soviet Union and later Russia. If interpretation and philosophical meaning is not your game, Shevchuk’s wonderful instrumentals are all you need to like his music. He incorporates many different instruments and styles that create a truly unique sound. His fruitful career began in 1980 and has not stopped going.
Born 16 May 1957, Shevchuk grew up in the city of Ufa, located in the southwest corner of present day Russia. He began studying music at age 6 but it would not be until the 1970’s, when Russian rock started to emerge, that music would become the defining factor of his life. In 1980 he was introduced to a group of Rock players and together they formed a group called DDT. DDT was destined to become the greatest Russian Rock group.
The early history of the group was turbulent. DDT gained steady popularity until the KGB began to scrutinize the group for their apparent anti-party lyrics and forced the group to go underground. The Soviet government soiled DDT’s name in the press and eventually forced the original members to disperse. Shevchuk, unabated, continued to play and traveled widely around Soviet Russia performing wherever he could. Moving to Moscow, Shevchuk began to rebuild DDT by himself, working where he could and actively writing music. In 1987 he put together a new group and things began rolling again. A year later, the newly reborn DDT toured the Soviet Union and was able to record an album.
From this point on Shevchuk’s, and DDT’s, career began to blossom. His recordings during the end of the 1980’s and throughout the 1990’s would be his best ever. His music would play in my house and become embedded in my head. His most famous songs, recorded around 1995, are those you hear if you ever watch documentaries on the fall of the Soviet Union. These songs echo the emotions of the population at that turbulent time. Even the instrumental part is eerie and at intervals hard on the ears. The music he created during this period is what he is most known for and it was this music that turned me into a big fan.
Yuri Shevchuk is a rock and roller at heart. He feels that to truly express music you must play it on real instruments, sing it, and feel it. He often spends years creating an album, writing his lyrics and putting extensive effort into selecting the right instruments. He is a big fan of American Rock and roll, particularly the Beatles, of which he owns several quite pricey autographed albums and posters. Because of his strict belief that music should be part of the soul, Shevchuk is severely against pop music. To him it’s a scourge to the ears. He so passionately despises Russian pop music that he went out of his way to humiliate a famous, yet fake, Russian pop artist by the name of Philip Kirkorov. Like many Russian pop musicians, Kirkorov sung in the form of lip-synching. He made the mistake of angering one of his communication directors who had access to recordings of Kirkorov lip-synching during a concert while the real song played in the background. Together with Shevchuk, the communications director streamed this audio on the World Wide Web. I distinctly remember myself laughing when my brother let me listen to it. In protest, Shevchuk ridicules pop music in many of his songs.
Protest lyrics, the bread and butter of many DDT songs did not stop when the KGB liquidated the original DDT. It continues today with songs that reflect current problems in Russia. In particular Shevchuk focuses on the lack of Democracy in Russia and the apparent failure, or inaction, of the politicians to do anything about it. In 2008 Shevchuk participated in a Dissenters March in St. Petersburg to show his dislike over Russia’s political climate. As a result of his actions, Shevchuk is seen negatively by the Russian government. His music never plays on Russian radio stations.
Shevchuk protest songs also reach out to war. Like pop, Shevchuk is severely against war. It was an anti-Afghanistan War song that attracted the attention of the KGB in the 1980’s. Some of Shevchuk’s most powerful and saddest songs were written about war, particularly its meaningless and unfairness. He visited soldiers fighting in Chechnya in the 1990’s and early 2000’s and performed free concerts in their honor. Any time he stages a concert that is against war, the profits he earns usually ending up being donated to those who suffered.
So, what about Shevchuk’s music is so appealing? To me, is the way he is able to fuse his tone, the meaning of his words, and his stunning instrumentals to present a theme. Each song is unique in its own right. Just by listening, with no need for comprehension, one can tell the seriousness of a song simply by the tone of the voice or by the selection and tempo of the instruments. It’s amazing. In addition, Shevchuk’s lyrics are essentially poems that can be read without the music. The though and effort he puts in to each lyric is unparalleled. One phrase can have three different meanings. I often sit and try to comprehend what he is trying to say, often, I must admit, with no success. Combined, his lyrics, instruments, and tone create something unheard of anywhere else in the world.
From an obscure and troublesome beginning, Yuri Shevchuk was able to rise to the mountain top. In his thirty years of being a musician, Shevchuk’s accomplishments are mirrored by few. He still writes wonderful music, full of meaning and sound. His poetry critiques the faults of Russia and paints a picture of what life is like. He sponsors young Russian rock musicians in order to keep Russian rock alive. A great humanitarian, artist, and man, Shevchuk should never stop playing.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
How Do You Annoy Someone?
Reflection
When I first received the assignment I was at a loss for a topic but had a general plan for how I would write the paper. The process was easy enough, just outline different ways to do something and make it interesting. How my partner and I came up with the topic is rather obscure. I just brainstormed possible topics that would be interesting to write about and came up with annoying someone. My partner agreed to use it.
After a topic was selected, everything went smoothly. We came up with subtopics that we could use and divided them evenly among us. Once we were done writing our parts we combined them and fused them with an intro.
After rereading the draft recently, my partner and I concluded that there were no major revisions that needed to be done. We needed to add a conclusion to further tie together the piece. Some small corrections in grammar and the order of words were required as well. Almost all of these parts apply to my partner's part, however, and an light reading of the paper will identify all of them. I leave the citing of these parts, if they get cited at all, to my partner since she is the writer and she might want to change things around or add new words.
The paper could also benefit from the addition of examples to certain subtopics. The most prevalent place where an example is needed is the talking subtopic. Since this is my part, I need to add an example to demonstrate how to verbally annoy someone.
• Be extremely obnoxious. When you have a conversation interrupt often and make comments really immature or really irrelevant to what is going on. Be loud. Space out your obnoxious interruptions to every couple of sentences. You can even repeat yourself.
• Make horrible jokes. It helps if they are a little perverted. Immaturity is a key factor here. Repeat the same joke often. It also helps to include the person in your horrible jokes, but it is not essential.
These parts are not too clear. I need to add examples to better explain my point. Since this is a how-to paper, examples are vital. Both of these bullets need examples.
I might, for the second bullet, say,
For example, if you are speaking to a person named John, you can use the following horrible joke: "John, hows your little John doing?" Then you could continue with "John you have a small JOHN! get it?" Making this the theme of your conversation will definitely aggravate John, or anyone else.
This isn't a set in stone example (meaning I might not use it) but this is definitely something like an example I would use. With an example, the bullet is much more developed and the task of explaining how to annoy someone is that much more complete.
A title is also needed.
Oh, before I forget, what I really enjoy about this paper is the hidden humor behind it. Check out the touching subsection. Its kind of messed up but comical. I particularly like the following two bullets:
• Poking. This technique requires never ending jabbing of your finger in any part of other person’s body that is open (usually the ribs). Poke at timed intervals. Continue even if the person tells you to stop and you are almost guaranteed at punch in the face.
• Rubbing. Nothing freaks people out more than getting randomly massaged. There are a few things to keep in mind: back rubs are usually tolerated, moving down, however, like to the upper stomach or lower back area, causes a freak response and much wanted irritation. Be careful! Sometimes the person you try to annoy using this method could actually be a freak and enjoy it. Run if that person tries to return the favor.
Funny. Thats the first word that comes to mind for me. These should definitely make a reader giggle and then wonder what the hell is wrong with the author. Exactly what I am shooting for in a reaction.
Without further ado, here is the how-to on annoying:
Annoying people is a type of art. Annoyers are like musicians; with the nerves of other people as their instrument. There are many practical reasons to bother someone. Annoying is a great way to pass time and get a kick out of the reactions of other people. It is also a very effective technique to use to get revenge on someone. By using the following methods, you can irritate a person to the breaking point. Be careful and have fun!
1. Talking. If you want to annoy someone without any physical movement, try talking. The only muscle moving is your mouth yet the amount of annoyance you can generate is unlimited. Here are a few ways you can really tick someone off:
• Talk only about yourself every time you meet a person. Make topics of conversation either really uncomfortable (how your trip to the bathroom went) or boring (how your cat walked around the room). Do this over and over and repeat yourself often for optimum success. Ensure that you do not register anything the person you intend to annoy says, keep the focus purely on yourself.
• Be extremely obnoxious. When you have a conversation interrupt often and make comments really immature or really irrelevant to what is going on. Be loud. Space out your obnoxious interruptions to every couple of sentences. You can even repeat yourself.
• Repeat one thing constantly. This is could be done by simply saying a word non-stop. It’s pretty certain that if all you say to a person is “rat”, for even as short a time as 20 minuets, that person would be prepared to rip your tongue out.
• Make horrible jokes. It helps if they are a little perverted. Immaturity is a key factor here. Repeat the same joke often. It also helps to include the person in your horrible jokes, but it is not essential.
2. Touching. This does not require a word and is the easiest way to annoy the crap out of someone. Almost everyone has a “personal bubble” that, if penetrated, causes much annoyance.
• Poking. This technique requires never ending jabbing of your finger in any part of other person’s body that is open (usually the ribs). Poke at timed intervals. Continue even if the person tells you to stop and you are almost guaranteed at punch in the face.
• Rubbing. Nothing freaks people out more than getting randomly massaged. There are a few things to keep in mind: back rubs are usually tolerated, moving down, however, like to the upper stomach or lower back area, causes a freak response and much wanted irritation. Be careful! Sometimes the person you try to annoy using this method could actually be a freak and enjoy it. Run if that person tries to return the favor.
• Standing too close. This has to be done multiple times. The response is usually violent, so be ready to tussle with the person you intend to annoy. This method is pretty easy to perform. Just stand really really close behind someone. It could help to breathe heavily on their ears or the back of their neck. It usually takes only 2 seconds for a response.
Ignoring To annoy someone and at the same time be slightly mean you should have no contact with them and pretend they do not exist.
• Talk to every one else that is there except for the person that you are trying to ignore. If the person is near try to get into a deep conservation with a person so there is no opportunity for the person to get involved in the conservation. If they try to get into the conservation do not let them and continue talking only to one person.
• Avoid the person you are trying to Ignore, walk in the opposite direction when they approach you and sit as far away form them as possible. If you want to make it obvious that you are ignoring them do not even make eye contact with them.
• If they ask you a direct question ignore them and start talking with someone else. Do not answer the question and pretend that they are not even standing there.
Taking some thing of someone’s This will annoy some one and is especially effective if you are sitting with a person at a table with a lot of stuff on it that is harmless to take but will make them fret.
• When the person is not looking or not paying attention take one of their belongings and hide it some where. Wait for the person to leave the room or get up to get some thing.
• The possession should be some thing that they will notice is missing and want back. If is not an obvious thing they may never know that it has been taking and not ask for it back. This will not accomplish your goal of trying to annoy them.
• You can hide the belonging any where you want it can be on your person or some where else but it should be some where safe so the it dose not get stolen or ruined.
• When the person starts to inquire where their belonging is try to act like you do not know what they are talking about and claim you had nothing to do with the disappearance of their object. This works well if there are a lot of people that could have taken the object so it is not obvious that you took the object.
When I first received the assignment I was at a loss for a topic but had a general plan for how I would write the paper. The process was easy enough, just outline different ways to do something and make it interesting. How my partner and I came up with the topic is rather obscure. I just brainstormed possible topics that would be interesting to write about and came up with annoying someone. My partner agreed to use it.
After a topic was selected, everything went smoothly. We came up with subtopics that we could use and divided them evenly among us. Once we were done writing our parts we combined them and fused them with an intro.
After rereading the draft recently, my partner and I concluded that there were no major revisions that needed to be done. We needed to add a conclusion to further tie together the piece. Some small corrections in grammar and the order of words were required as well. Almost all of these parts apply to my partner's part, however, and an light reading of the paper will identify all of them. I leave the citing of these parts, if they get cited at all, to my partner since she is the writer and she might want to change things around or add new words.
The paper could also benefit from the addition of examples to certain subtopics. The most prevalent place where an example is needed is the talking subtopic. Since this is my part, I need to add an example to demonstrate how to verbally annoy someone.
• Be extremely obnoxious. When you have a conversation interrupt often and make comments really immature or really irrelevant to what is going on. Be loud. Space out your obnoxious interruptions to every couple of sentences. You can even repeat yourself.
• Make horrible jokes. It helps if they are a little perverted. Immaturity is a key factor here. Repeat the same joke often. It also helps to include the person in your horrible jokes, but it is not essential.
These parts are not too clear. I need to add examples to better explain my point. Since this is a how-to paper, examples are vital. Both of these bullets need examples.
I might, for the second bullet, say,
For example, if you are speaking to a person named John, you can use the following horrible joke: "John, hows your little John doing?" Then you could continue with "John you have a small JOHN! get it?" Making this the theme of your conversation will definitely aggravate John, or anyone else.
This isn't a set in stone example (meaning I might not use it) but this is definitely something like an example I would use. With an example, the bullet is much more developed and the task of explaining how to annoy someone is that much more complete.
A title is also needed.
Oh, before I forget, what I really enjoy about this paper is the hidden humor behind it. Check out the touching subsection. Its kind of messed up but comical. I particularly like the following two bullets:
• Poking. This technique requires never ending jabbing of your finger in any part of other person’s body that is open (usually the ribs). Poke at timed intervals. Continue even if the person tells you to stop and you are almost guaranteed at punch in the face.
• Rubbing. Nothing freaks people out more than getting randomly massaged. There are a few things to keep in mind: back rubs are usually tolerated, moving down, however, like to the upper stomach or lower back area, causes a freak response and much wanted irritation. Be careful! Sometimes the person you try to annoy using this method could actually be a freak and enjoy it. Run if that person tries to return the favor.
Funny. Thats the first word that comes to mind for me. These should definitely make a reader giggle and then wonder what the hell is wrong with the author. Exactly what I am shooting for in a reaction.
Without further ado, here is the how-to on annoying:
Annoying people is a type of art. Annoyers are like musicians; with the nerves of other people as their instrument. There are many practical reasons to bother someone. Annoying is a great way to pass time and get a kick out of the reactions of other people. It is also a very effective technique to use to get revenge on someone. By using the following methods, you can irritate a person to the breaking point. Be careful and have fun!
1. Talking. If you want to annoy someone without any physical movement, try talking. The only muscle moving is your mouth yet the amount of annoyance you can generate is unlimited. Here are a few ways you can really tick someone off:
• Talk only about yourself every time you meet a person. Make topics of conversation either really uncomfortable (how your trip to the bathroom went) or boring (how your cat walked around the room). Do this over and over and repeat yourself often for optimum success. Ensure that you do not register anything the person you intend to annoy says, keep the focus purely on yourself.
• Be extremely obnoxious. When you have a conversation interrupt often and make comments really immature or really irrelevant to what is going on. Be loud. Space out your obnoxious interruptions to every couple of sentences. You can even repeat yourself.
• Repeat one thing constantly. This is could be done by simply saying a word non-stop. It’s pretty certain that if all you say to a person is “rat”, for even as short a time as 20 minuets, that person would be prepared to rip your tongue out.
• Make horrible jokes. It helps if they are a little perverted. Immaturity is a key factor here. Repeat the same joke often. It also helps to include the person in your horrible jokes, but it is not essential.
2. Touching. This does not require a word and is the easiest way to annoy the crap out of someone. Almost everyone has a “personal bubble” that, if penetrated, causes much annoyance.
• Poking. This technique requires never ending jabbing of your finger in any part of other person’s body that is open (usually the ribs). Poke at timed intervals. Continue even if the person tells you to stop and you are almost guaranteed at punch in the face.
• Rubbing. Nothing freaks people out more than getting randomly massaged. There are a few things to keep in mind: back rubs are usually tolerated, moving down, however, like to the upper stomach or lower back area, causes a freak response and much wanted irritation. Be careful! Sometimes the person you try to annoy using this method could actually be a freak and enjoy it. Run if that person tries to return the favor.
• Standing too close. This has to be done multiple times. The response is usually violent, so be ready to tussle with the person you intend to annoy. This method is pretty easy to perform. Just stand really really close behind someone. It could help to breathe heavily on their ears or the back of their neck. It usually takes only 2 seconds for a response.
Ignoring To annoy someone and at the same time be slightly mean you should have no contact with them and pretend they do not exist.
• Talk to every one else that is there except for the person that you are trying to ignore. If the person is near try to get into a deep conservation with a person so there is no opportunity for the person to get involved in the conservation. If they try to get into the conservation do not let them and continue talking only to one person.
• Avoid the person you are trying to Ignore, walk in the opposite direction when they approach you and sit as far away form them as possible. If you want to make it obvious that you are ignoring them do not even make eye contact with them.
• If they ask you a direct question ignore them and start talking with someone else. Do not answer the question and pretend that they are not even standing there.
Taking some thing of someone’s This will annoy some one and is especially effective if you are sitting with a person at a table with a lot of stuff on it that is harmless to take but will make them fret.
• When the person is not looking or not paying attention take one of their belongings and hide it some where. Wait for the person to leave the room or get up to get some thing.
• The possession should be some thing that they will notice is missing and want back. If is not an obvious thing they may never know that it has been taking and not ask for it back. This will not accomplish your goal of trying to annoy them.
• You can hide the belonging any where you want it can be on your person or some where else but it should be some where safe so the it dose not get stolen or ruined.
• When the person starts to inquire where their belonging is try to act like you do not know what they are talking about and claim you had nothing to do with the disappearance of their object. This works well if there are a lot of people that could have taken the object so it is not obvious that you took the object.
Conclusions that better tie the sins together
I am going to try to come up with two possible alternative conclusions to the seven deadly sins paper. My previous conclusion ended the story and did not elaborate on anything. I want these new conclusions to be added after the old conclusion and tie the essay together.
Here is the original conclusion, this should serve as a point of reference:
That night two men were arrested. Two persons were also found dead. A young nurse of twenty-three named Rebecca and a sixty-nine year old resident of Yollingdales, Herbert, were brutally murdered in the same bathroom George unloaded his crab. Paul and Petey, the two arrested, are not suspects in the murders. One resident, Harry, was nowhere to be found.
1. With this conclusion, I am going to make a personal appeal. This conclusion will be a call to action for the reader to avoid the seven deadly sins. By doing so, I am restating the overall theme and clearly stating what the essay was about.
Yollingdales does not simply apply to old people. The story you have just read manifests itself throughout the world, although perhaps not in such gory events. The sins committed by the staff and residents at Yollingdales all play an integral part in the lives of each person on planet Earth. These sins are gluttony, greed, lust, wrath, envy, pride, and sloth and they are infused in our daily routines. On behalf of the owner of Yollingdales, I would like to ask you, the reader, to avoid these sins to the best of your ability. The earlier you start working on yourself, the more chance there is of avoiding the fates of the individuals described above.
2. This conclusions will ask the reader a specific question that will require the reader to think about the essay and its purpose. The question directly ties in with the story. The main purpose and theme of the essay are clearly given as well.
How do you connect to the story? Of course, the horrific events at Yollingdales border on the extreme, but each person involved exhibited one of seven deadly flaws, sometimes even a combination of them. We all witness and embody these flaws daily. Everybody has felt jealousy, greed, lust, laziness, anger, pride, and a deep, unsatisfiable hunger for something. Without flaws, there would be no humanity. So, let me ask again, how do you connect to this story?
My personal favorite is the second one. It is more solid and makes you think. The reader really gets involved. The first conclusion isn't bad, but it is not as interesting as the second. I learned that conclusions need to sum up the essay and be interesting and the second conclusion better fits the criteria of what I learned, at least in my opinion.
Here is the original conclusion, this should serve as a point of reference:
That night two men were arrested. Two persons were also found dead. A young nurse of twenty-three named Rebecca and a sixty-nine year old resident of Yollingdales, Herbert, were brutally murdered in the same bathroom George unloaded his crab. Paul and Petey, the two arrested, are not suspects in the murders. One resident, Harry, was nowhere to be found.
1. With this conclusion, I am going to make a personal appeal. This conclusion will be a call to action for the reader to avoid the seven deadly sins. By doing so, I am restating the overall theme and clearly stating what the essay was about.
Yollingdales does not simply apply to old people. The story you have just read manifests itself throughout the world, although perhaps not in such gory events. The sins committed by the staff and residents at Yollingdales all play an integral part in the lives of each person on planet Earth. These sins are gluttony, greed, lust, wrath, envy, pride, and sloth and they are infused in our daily routines. On behalf of the owner of Yollingdales, I would like to ask you, the reader, to avoid these sins to the best of your ability. The earlier you start working on yourself, the more chance there is of avoiding the fates of the individuals described above.
2. This conclusions will ask the reader a specific question that will require the reader to think about the essay and its purpose. The question directly ties in with the story. The main purpose and theme of the essay are clearly given as well.
How do you connect to the story? Of course, the horrific events at Yollingdales border on the extreme, but each person involved exhibited one of seven deadly flaws, sometimes even a combination of them. We all witness and embody these flaws daily. Everybody has felt jealousy, greed, lust, laziness, anger, pride, and a deep, unsatisfiable hunger for something. Without flaws, there would be no humanity. So, let me ask again, how do you connect to this story?
My personal favorite is the second one. It is more solid and makes you think. The reader really gets involved. The first conclusion isn't bad, but it is not as interesting as the second. I learned that conclusions need to sum up the essay and be interesting and the second conclusion better fits the criteria of what I learned, at least in my opinion.
The old sinners of Yollingdales revisited
Reflection
This essay initially did not require much revision. However, it did need some restructuring and further development of some characters.
My biggest structure problem came with the dialog. I would start a new paragraph each time someone would begin talking and things either got confusing or the part had a bad, scratchy feel to it.
Here is an example from the essay:
All of a sudden, Corey the manager runs by looking furious. He stops abruptly and at the top of his lungs and screams,
"PETEY! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND COME HELP ME!!!"
I should have put the two parts together in the same paragraph. This mistake repeated itself throughout the piece and needed to be dealt with. Other than this, I fixed up a few grammar issues, and made up a new title.
After working on the structuring, I added a few parts to further develop the seven deadly sins presented by the characters. Herbert, Harry, and George all got revamped. The plot of the story also got supplemented because of the character development.
Herbert's part got an expansion in the beginning:
“Harry what the hell is your problem?!” angrily questions Herbert.
“You! I’ve known assholes like you my whole life. Your cock is your brain! Always trying to get laid and never caring for the consequences. Can’t you see? She doesn’t want your old ass Herbert, fuck off!”
“You’re just mad I can actually talk to the ladies.” Herbert says proudly as he gets up from his armchair. Harry, with a hateful expression, gives the middle finger to Herbert’s back.
I think Harry's rhetoric adequately explains how Herbert is a a lusty pervert
I added a new part for George:
“Petey who’re you kiddin? You haven’t done an honest bit of work since I got here.” George laughs, “I nearly missed to take my pills twice ‘cause your lazy ass won’t get up to give em to me. I knew someone like you once back in Bastogne. I was a sergeant you know and a damn good one too. Led my men better than Patton, I was so good. ”
Corey walks around the corner. “George! You crazy old bastard, go back to your room! Petey, get that lazy ass back to WORK!” Corey shouts.
This definitely makes George exhibit the sin of pride.
Harry's reason for hating Herbert was also added (you have to actually read the piece though, citing it here will give too much away).
The overall feel of the paper now is that of mission accomplished. The seven deadly sins are all exhibited in a retirement home. Booya!
Here is the second, and probably last, revision:
The Seven Deadly Sins Never Retire
Today. “OHH yea,” says Herbert as he looks at Rebecca, a twenty-three year old nurse at Yollingdales retirement home, bending over to fix the television antennae.
Harry, sitting nearby, is disgusted. “Herbert, you pervert stop starring at her ass!”
Rebecca realizes Herbert’s evil scheme and begins to walk away half-amused, half-agitated.
“Harry what the hell is your problem?!” angrily questions Herbert.
“You! I’ve known assholes like you my whole life. Your cock is your brain! Always trying to get laid and never caring for the consequences. Can’t you see? She doesn’t want your old ass Herbert, fuck off!”
“You’re just mad I can actually talk to the ladies.” Herbert says proudly as he gets up from his armchair. Harry, with a hateful expression, gives the middle finger to Herbert’s back.
All of a sudden, Corey the manager runs by looking furious. He stops abruptly and at the top of his lungs and screams, “PETEY! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND COME HELP ME!!!”
The attendant in question falls flat off his chair, the magazine he was reading thrown into free-fall. He collects himself, and then hurries to catch up to his boss. Both make their way to Room 413 where already a buzzing crowd has gathered. “Let me through!” commands Corey
The room belongs to Frank Marongello. Upon entry, the pair is confronted with a wall of nauseous fumes that causes Petey to bring the top of his shirt over his nose. “Damn Jesus! The smell is unbearable” mutters Petey.
“Shut up!” Corey responds, rather savagely.
Frank’s room is dark and gives off a barren appearance. The floor is littered with old food containers and the once white carpet is yellow and stained. The place is sparsely furnished with a table in one corner and a bed in the other. On the bed lays a humongous man, his fat literally rolling off the sides of the yellowed mattress. Frank is a nasty fellow. His whitish-yellow wife-beater cannot accommodate his huge stomach, allowing the big, white, and hairy mountain that is his beer belly to protrude over it. He isn’t wearing any pants but instead a pair of brownish-white boxer briefs. Frank is bald and his features are all bloated. His face is snow white, the lips purple, and the eyes open but hidden behind the eyelids. It’s obvious he’s dead.
“Petey go call 911,” Corey says quietly.
“AWW do I have to?”
“GO YOU LAZY BASTARD! Or I swear ill rip you head off and stick it so far up your ass you’ll smell your throat.”
And with that bit of encouragement Petey leaves to call an ambulance.
Corey steps out of the room. The crowd outside is anxiously looking at him. “GET OUTTA HERE! He’s dead”
A Week Later. Paul is standing in front of his room. He looks at everyone walking by, no one makes eye contact.
Petey, making his rounds with the evening medicine, rolls his cart past Paul, doing his best not to be noticed.
“Oi Petey. Come ‘ere” Paul commands with a gruff voice. Petey looks uncomfortable as he approaches Paul. Paul continues, “Did ya get ma money?”
“No, not yet sir.” Petey says, shifting his weight nervously from one foot to another.
“Well hurry up boy! That fat slob shoulda paid me on time. No one takes ma stuff and don’t pay me.”
Petey remains silent, looking down.
“Alright you got a week kid. I want ma money. You feel me?”
“Yes Sir!”
“And what are you two conspirators yappin’ about?” George, an ex WWII vet asks opening the door to his room.
“Mind yo business George,” says Paul as he is closing his own door.
“Ah screw him. Say Petey, wanna hear a story about my days in the service?” asks George excitedly.
“Nah no thank you sir, I have to get back to work.”
“Petey who’re you kiddin? You haven’t done an honest bit of work since I got here.” George laughs, “I nearly missed to take my pills twice ‘cause your lazy ass won’t get up to give em to me. I knew someone like you once back in Bastogne. I was a sergeant you know and a damn good one too. Led my men better than Patton, I was so good. ”
Corey walks around the corner. “George! You crazy old bastard, go back to your room! Petey, get that lazy ass back to WORK!” Corey shouts.
Petey looks thankful for the opportunity to leave.
“Say Manager can I have a word?” George shouts back.
Corey walks up to George. “This better not waste my time. I don’t give a crap about your WWII days. What d’ya want?” Corey asks bluntly.
George looks annoyed but contains himself. “Whats the news on Frank?”
“I have no idea. The doctors say that he choked on something, they’re not certain though, the autopsy still needs to be done.”
“What a shame. He was huge, but he was a good man” George says thoughtfully. “I knew someone like him once. I saved him from three Nazi bastards back in ’44. Damn I was good. Shot all three in the head.”
“George, shut UP!” Corey says as he walks away impatiently.
Two Days Later. George ate bad crab at dinner the night before. It came back to haunt him and he found the nearest bathroom in order to relieve himself. Not five minutes into his crap, three pairs of shoes enter the bathroom. George remains silent and lifts his feet up in order not to get noticed. The three men begin to talk. George recognizes them to be Paul, Petey, and Harry.
“Here’s your money sir” Petey says.
“Finally, I was ‘bout to come by and ask ya” Paul says, sounding pleased.
“Wheres my cut?” viciously asks Harry.
“Hold the hell on! I gotta count it ‘n’ make sure the fatso didn’t eat any accidentally before he died.”
All of them laugh mirthlessly.
“Ohh man killing that tub of lard was way too easy. Walk in, put in a pill, walk out.” Harry says to Paul.
“Ha! I bet. That should teach the bastard to pay his debts. N’ Petey, nice job not doing a damn thing. Without yo lazy ass I dunno know how that pill woulda found its way into Frankie’s throat. Here’s yo cut.”
“Thank you sir.” Petey says gratefully and walks out.
“Now on to more pressing matters. When are you going to whack Herbert?” Harry asks malevolently.
“Patience for Christ’s sake! Why whack him? So much cheaper to jus’ scare him.”
“NO! I want that dick weed dead!”
“What in the world makes ya dislike the man so much?
“He keeps screwing with Rebecca. And the bitch keeps responding. That can’t happened.” Resentfully hisses Harry.
“Hot damn! That old age fried yo brain Harry.”
“Shut up and just whack him. You got a week, keep my cut until then. If you don’t do it in a week, I will.” Harry says as he leaves the bathroom.
“Fine, fine. Jealous bastard, whole home knows you gotta crush on that Rebecca. I’ll keep yo cut you messed up piece of shit, more money fo me.” Paul mutters to himself as he also leaves the bathroom.
As soon as the door closes George lets out an enormous sigh of relief and a huge groan as he releases the rest of the crab. He is stupefied. So that’s who killed Frank! I gotta hurry up and wipe my ass. Corey has to know! He thinks to himself.
That night two men were arrested. Two persons were also found dead. A young nurse of twenty-three named Rebecca and a sixty-nine year old resident of Yollingdales, Herbert, were brutally murdered in the same bathroom George unloaded his crab. Paul and Petey, the two arrested, are not suspects in the murders. One resident, Harry, was nowhere to be found.
This essay initially did not require much revision. However, it did need some restructuring and further development of some characters.
My biggest structure problem came with the dialog. I would start a new paragraph each time someone would begin talking and things either got confusing or the part had a bad, scratchy feel to it.
Here is an example from the essay:
All of a sudden, Corey the manager runs by looking furious. He stops abruptly and at the top of his lungs and screams,
"PETEY! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND COME HELP ME!!!"
I should have put the two parts together in the same paragraph. This mistake repeated itself throughout the piece and needed to be dealt with. Other than this, I fixed up a few grammar issues, and made up a new title.
After working on the structuring, I added a few parts to further develop the seven deadly sins presented by the characters. Herbert, Harry, and George all got revamped. The plot of the story also got supplemented because of the character development.
Herbert's part got an expansion in the beginning:
“Harry what the hell is your problem?!” angrily questions Herbert.
“You! I’ve known assholes like you my whole life. Your cock is your brain! Always trying to get laid and never caring for the consequences. Can’t you see? She doesn’t want your old ass Herbert, fuck off!”
“You’re just mad I can actually talk to the ladies.” Herbert says proudly as he gets up from his armchair. Harry, with a hateful expression, gives the middle finger to Herbert’s back.
I think Harry's rhetoric adequately explains how Herbert is a a lusty pervert
I added a new part for George:
“Petey who’re you kiddin? You haven’t done an honest bit of work since I got here.” George laughs, “I nearly missed to take my pills twice ‘cause your lazy ass won’t get up to give em to me. I knew someone like you once back in Bastogne. I was a sergeant you know and a damn good one too. Led my men better than Patton, I was so good. ”
Corey walks around the corner. “George! You crazy old bastard, go back to your room! Petey, get that lazy ass back to WORK!” Corey shouts.
This definitely makes George exhibit the sin of pride.
Harry's reason for hating Herbert was also added (you have to actually read the piece though, citing it here will give too much away).
The overall feel of the paper now is that of mission accomplished. The seven deadly sins are all exhibited in a retirement home. Booya!
Here is the second, and probably last, revision:
The Seven Deadly Sins Never Retire
Today. “OHH yea,” says Herbert as he looks at Rebecca, a twenty-three year old nurse at Yollingdales retirement home, bending over to fix the television antennae.
Harry, sitting nearby, is disgusted. “Herbert, you pervert stop starring at her ass!”
Rebecca realizes Herbert’s evil scheme and begins to walk away half-amused, half-agitated.
“Harry what the hell is your problem?!” angrily questions Herbert.
“You! I’ve known assholes like you my whole life. Your cock is your brain! Always trying to get laid and never caring for the consequences. Can’t you see? She doesn’t want your old ass Herbert, fuck off!”
“You’re just mad I can actually talk to the ladies.” Herbert says proudly as he gets up from his armchair. Harry, with a hateful expression, gives the middle finger to Herbert’s back.
All of a sudden, Corey the manager runs by looking furious. He stops abruptly and at the top of his lungs and screams, “PETEY! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND COME HELP ME!!!”
The attendant in question falls flat off his chair, the magazine he was reading thrown into free-fall. He collects himself, and then hurries to catch up to his boss. Both make their way to Room 413 where already a buzzing crowd has gathered. “Let me through!” commands Corey
The room belongs to Frank Marongello. Upon entry, the pair is confronted with a wall of nauseous fumes that causes Petey to bring the top of his shirt over his nose. “Damn Jesus! The smell is unbearable” mutters Petey.
“Shut up!” Corey responds, rather savagely.
Frank’s room is dark and gives off a barren appearance. The floor is littered with old food containers and the once white carpet is yellow and stained. The place is sparsely furnished with a table in one corner and a bed in the other. On the bed lays a humongous man, his fat literally rolling off the sides of the yellowed mattress. Frank is a nasty fellow. His whitish-yellow wife-beater cannot accommodate his huge stomach, allowing the big, white, and hairy mountain that is his beer belly to protrude over it. He isn’t wearing any pants but instead a pair of brownish-white boxer briefs. Frank is bald and his features are all bloated. His face is snow white, the lips purple, and the eyes open but hidden behind the eyelids. It’s obvious he’s dead.
“Petey go call 911,” Corey says quietly.
“AWW do I have to?”
“GO YOU LAZY BASTARD! Or I swear ill rip you head off and stick it so far up your ass you’ll smell your throat.”
And with that bit of encouragement Petey leaves to call an ambulance.
Corey steps out of the room. The crowd outside is anxiously looking at him. “GET OUTTA HERE! He’s dead”
A Week Later. Paul is standing in front of his room. He looks at everyone walking by, no one makes eye contact.
Petey, making his rounds with the evening medicine, rolls his cart past Paul, doing his best not to be noticed.
“Oi Petey. Come ‘ere” Paul commands with a gruff voice. Petey looks uncomfortable as he approaches Paul. Paul continues, “Did ya get ma money?”
“No, not yet sir.” Petey says, shifting his weight nervously from one foot to another.
“Well hurry up boy! That fat slob shoulda paid me on time. No one takes ma stuff and don’t pay me.”
Petey remains silent, looking down.
“Alright you got a week kid. I want ma money. You feel me?”
“Yes Sir!”
“And what are you two conspirators yappin’ about?” George, an ex WWII vet asks opening the door to his room.
“Mind yo business George,” says Paul as he is closing his own door.
“Ah screw him. Say Petey, wanna hear a story about my days in the service?” asks George excitedly.
“Nah no thank you sir, I have to get back to work.”
“Petey who’re you kiddin? You haven’t done an honest bit of work since I got here.” George laughs, “I nearly missed to take my pills twice ‘cause your lazy ass won’t get up to give em to me. I knew someone like you once back in Bastogne. I was a sergeant you know and a damn good one too. Led my men better than Patton, I was so good. ”
Corey walks around the corner. “George! You crazy old bastard, go back to your room! Petey, get that lazy ass back to WORK!” Corey shouts.
Petey looks thankful for the opportunity to leave.
“Say Manager can I have a word?” George shouts back.
Corey walks up to George. “This better not waste my time. I don’t give a crap about your WWII days. What d’ya want?” Corey asks bluntly.
George looks annoyed but contains himself. “Whats the news on Frank?”
“I have no idea. The doctors say that he choked on something, they’re not certain though, the autopsy still needs to be done.”
“What a shame. He was huge, but he was a good man” George says thoughtfully. “I knew someone like him once. I saved him from three Nazi bastards back in ’44. Damn I was good. Shot all three in the head.”
“George, shut UP!” Corey says as he walks away impatiently.
Two Days Later. George ate bad crab at dinner the night before. It came back to haunt him and he found the nearest bathroom in order to relieve himself. Not five minutes into his crap, three pairs of shoes enter the bathroom. George remains silent and lifts his feet up in order not to get noticed. The three men begin to talk. George recognizes them to be Paul, Petey, and Harry.
“Here’s your money sir” Petey says.
“Finally, I was ‘bout to come by and ask ya” Paul says, sounding pleased.
“Wheres my cut?” viciously asks Harry.
“Hold the hell on! I gotta count it ‘n’ make sure the fatso didn’t eat any accidentally before he died.”
All of them laugh mirthlessly.
“Ohh man killing that tub of lard was way too easy. Walk in, put in a pill, walk out.” Harry says to Paul.
“Ha! I bet. That should teach the bastard to pay his debts. N’ Petey, nice job not doing a damn thing. Without yo lazy ass I dunno know how that pill woulda found its way into Frankie’s throat. Here’s yo cut.”
“Thank you sir.” Petey says gratefully and walks out.
“Now on to more pressing matters. When are you going to whack Herbert?” Harry asks malevolently.
“Patience for Christ’s sake! Why whack him? So much cheaper to jus’ scare him.”
“NO! I want that dick weed dead!”
“What in the world makes ya dislike the man so much?
“He keeps screwing with Rebecca. And the bitch keeps responding. That can’t happened.” Resentfully hisses Harry.
“Hot damn! That old age fried yo brain Harry.”
“Shut up and just whack him. You got a week, keep my cut until then. If you don’t do it in a week, I will.” Harry says as he leaves the bathroom.
“Fine, fine. Jealous bastard, whole home knows you gotta crush on that Rebecca. I’ll keep yo cut you messed up piece of shit, more money fo me.” Paul mutters to himself as he also leaves the bathroom.
As soon as the door closes George lets out an enormous sigh of relief and a huge groan as he releases the rest of the crab. He is stupefied. So that’s who killed Frank! I gotta hurry up and wipe my ass. Corey has to know! He thinks to himself.
That night two men were arrested. Two persons were also found dead. A young nurse of twenty-three named Rebecca and a sixty-nine year old resident of Yollingdales, Herbert, were brutally murdered in the same bathroom George unloaded his crab. Paul and Petey, the two arrested, are not suspects in the murders. One resident, Harry, was nowhere to be found.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Damn! Writing about your favorite musician is annoying.
Reflection:
This essay needs a lot of work. I have included tons of information but it is all just thrown into a pile without extensive organisation and editing. I have to revise my intro to better set the mood of the paper. Particularly, I need to add more pizazz to the opening sentences. My conclusion is very bad, and is probably the worst part of the essay. I will have to create a completely new one that will better flow with the paper. Oh, and the title completely blows. That has to be fixed as well
When I looked at the meat of the paper, I realized that I went a little too detailed into the history of the group and of the musician. I am definitely going to cut out many unnecessary aspects of the group history, mainly in the third paragraph. I also want to include a little more of the reasons for why I enjoy my favorite musician's stuff. This should add a perspective on how his music is different.
There are things that I do enjoy about the paper. I think that there are plenty of anecdotes that sufficiently describe who the musician is and what he stands for. The way things are described and the word choice are also pretty good.
The overall message of the reflection: this essay is in grave need of extensive revision!
Here is the first draft of the essay:
Yuri Shevchuk
Yuri Yulianovich Shevchuk is Russia’s greatest songwriter. His music has lasted through generations and embodies all of the feelings and troubles the Russian people went through from 1980 to the present. Shevchuk’s eloquent poetry like lyrics hide deep and multisided interpretations of life, love, patriotism, religion, politics, and consciousness in the Soviet Union and later Russia. If interpretation and philosophical meaning is not your game, Shevchuk’s wonderful instrumentals are all you need to like his music. He incorporates many different instruments and styles into his music. His career began in 1980 when he helped find one of, if not the, most famous Russian rock groups called DDT.
Born 16 May 1957, Shevchuk grew up in the city of Ufa, located in the southwest corner of present day Russia. Shevchuk’s parents were both school teachers and his childhood was dominated by art. He began studying music at age 6 but it would not be until the 1970’s, when Russian rock started to emerge, that music would become more important than art in his life. In 1980 he was introduced to a group of Rock players and together they formed DDT.
In 1983 DDT won a Soviet-Union wide contest that won them listeners and money to record their first album. The group progressed and began recording with other Rock groups, gaining popularity. Popularity, however, isn’t always good. DDT came under the scrutiny of the KGB. As early as 1985, Shevchuk was writing songs of protest. At the time, the USSR was mired in a quagmire war in Afghanistan. The lyrics to some of DDT’s songs were seen as anti-party values by the Soviet government. KGB scrutiny forced DDT to go underground. But this would not be enough. KGB efforts forced the group to disperse. Shevchuk’s name was soiled in the press and he was forced to travel the country to make a living as a musician, performing wherever he could. Moving to Moscow, Shevchuk began to rebuild DDT by himself, working where he could and actively writing music. In 1987 he put together a new group and things began rolling again. In 1988 the newly reborn DDT toured the Soviet Union and was able to record an album.
From this point on Shevchuk’s, and DDT’s, career began to blossom. His recordings during the end of the 1980’s and throughout the 1990’s would be his best ever. That music would play in my house and become embedded in my head. His most famous songs, recorded around 1995, are those you hear if you ever watch documentaries on the fall of the Soviet Union. These songs echo the emotions of the population at that turbulent time. Even the instrumental part is eerie and at intervals hard on the ears. The music he created during this period is what he is most known for and it was this music that turned me into a big fan.
Yuri Shevchuk is a rock and roller at heart. He feels that to truly express music you must play it on real instruments, sing it, and feel it. He is a big fan of American Rock and roll, particularly the Beatles, of which he owns several quite pricey autographed albums and posters. Shevchuk is severely against pop music. To him it’s a scourge to the ears. He so passionately despises Russian pop music that he went out of his way to humiliate a famous, yet fake, Russian pop artist by the name of Philip Kirkorov. Kirkorov sung in the form of lip-synching. He made the mistake of angering one of his communication directors who had access to recordings of Kirkorov lip-synching during a concert while the real song played in the background. Together with Shevchuk, the communications director streamed this audio on the World Wide Web. I distinctly remember myself laughing when my brother let me listen to it. Shevchuk ridicules pop music in many of his songs and continues to do so today.
The protest though song that caused the liquidation of the original group DDT did not stop. Today Shevchuk writes songs that reflect current problems in Russia. In particular Shevchuk focuses on the lack of Democracy in Russia and the apparent failure, or inaction, of the politicians to do anything about it. In 2008 Shevchuk participated in a Dissenters March in St. Petersburg to show his dislike over Russia’s political climate. As a result of his actions, Shevchuk falls is seen negatively by the Russian government. His music never plays on Russian radio stations.
Shevchuk protest songs also reach out to war. Shevchuk long stood against war. It was an anti-Afghanistan War song that attracted the attention of the KGB in the 1980’s. Some of Shevchuk’s most powerful and saddest songs were written in protest of war. He visited soldiers fighting in Chechnya in the 1990’s and early 2000’s and performed free concerts in their honor. He toured and staged many concerts to protest wars, the profits he earns usually ending up being donated to those who suffered.
Shevchuk is Russia’s greatest musician. His career began in 1980 and since then has not stopped rolling. He still writes wonderful music, full of meaning and sound. His poetry critiques the faults of Russia and paints a picture of what life is like. He sponsors young Russian rock musicians in order to keep Russian rock alive. A great humanitarian, artist, and man, Shevchuk should never stop playing.
I would like you, Ms.Basko, to look at the following:
1. Does the essay fit exemplification requirements? If not, what needs to be added/cut?
2. The flow
3. Is there any part in the essay where I go overboard with information, beside the places I gave in the reflection, or where I do not expand enough?
4. The overall imprint left on the mind after the paper is read.
5. Any suggestions on an intro and a conclusion?
This essay needs a lot of work. I have included tons of information but it is all just thrown into a pile without extensive organisation and editing. I have to revise my intro to better set the mood of the paper. Particularly, I need to add more pizazz to the opening sentences. My conclusion is very bad, and is probably the worst part of the essay. I will have to create a completely new one that will better flow with the paper. Oh, and the title completely blows. That has to be fixed as well
When I looked at the meat of the paper, I realized that I went a little too detailed into the history of the group and of the musician. I am definitely going to cut out many unnecessary aspects of the group history, mainly in the third paragraph. I also want to include a little more of the reasons for why I enjoy my favorite musician's stuff. This should add a perspective on how his music is different.
There are things that I do enjoy about the paper. I think that there are plenty of anecdotes that sufficiently describe who the musician is and what he stands for. The way things are described and the word choice are also pretty good.
The overall message of the reflection: this essay is in grave need of extensive revision!
Here is the first draft of the essay:
Yuri Shevchuk
Yuri Yulianovich Shevchuk is Russia’s greatest songwriter. His music has lasted through generations and embodies all of the feelings and troubles the Russian people went through from 1980 to the present. Shevchuk’s eloquent poetry like lyrics hide deep and multisided interpretations of life, love, patriotism, religion, politics, and consciousness in the Soviet Union and later Russia. If interpretation and philosophical meaning is not your game, Shevchuk’s wonderful instrumentals are all you need to like his music. He incorporates many different instruments and styles into his music. His career began in 1980 when he helped find one of, if not the, most famous Russian rock groups called DDT.
Born 16 May 1957, Shevchuk grew up in the city of Ufa, located in the southwest corner of present day Russia. Shevchuk’s parents were both school teachers and his childhood was dominated by art. He began studying music at age 6 but it would not be until the 1970’s, when Russian rock started to emerge, that music would become more important than art in his life. In 1980 he was introduced to a group of Rock players and together they formed DDT.
In 1983 DDT won a Soviet-Union wide contest that won them listeners and money to record their first album. The group progressed and began recording with other Rock groups, gaining popularity. Popularity, however, isn’t always good. DDT came under the scrutiny of the KGB. As early as 1985, Shevchuk was writing songs of protest. At the time, the USSR was mired in a quagmire war in Afghanistan. The lyrics to some of DDT’s songs were seen as anti-party values by the Soviet government. KGB scrutiny forced DDT to go underground. But this would not be enough. KGB efforts forced the group to disperse. Shevchuk’s name was soiled in the press and he was forced to travel the country to make a living as a musician, performing wherever he could. Moving to Moscow, Shevchuk began to rebuild DDT by himself, working where he could and actively writing music. In 1987 he put together a new group and things began rolling again. In 1988 the newly reborn DDT toured the Soviet Union and was able to record an album.
From this point on Shevchuk’s, and DDT’s, career began to blossom. His recordings during the end of the 1980’s and throughout the 1990’s would be his best ever. That music would play in my house and become embedded in my head. His most famous songs, recorded around 1995, are those you hear if you ever watch documentaries on the fall of the Soviet Union. These songs echo the emotions of the population at that turbulent time. Even the instrumental part is eerie and at intervals hard on the ears. The music he created during this period is what he is most known for and it was this music that turned me into a big fan.
Yuri Shevchuk is a rock and roller at heart. He feels that to truly express music you must play it on real instruments, sing it, and feel it. He is a big fan of American Rock and roll, particularly the Beatles, of which he owns several quite pricey autographed albums and posters. Shevchuk is severely against pop music. To him it’s a scourge to the ears. He so passionately despises Russian pop music that he went out of his way to humiliate a famous, yet fake, Russian pop artist by the name of Philip Kirkorov. Kirkorov sung in the form of lip-synching. He made the mistake of angering one of his communication directors who had access to recordings of Kirkorov lip-synching during a concert while the real song played in the background. Together with Shevchuk, the communications director streamed this audio on the World Wide Web. I distinctly remember myself laughing when my brother let me listen to it. Shevchuk ridicules pop music in many of his songs and continues to do so today.
The protest though song that caused the liquidation of the original group DDT did not stop. Today Shevchuk writes songs that reflect current problems in Russia. In particular Shevchuk focuses on the lack of Democracy in Russia and the apparent failure, or inaction, of the politicians to do anything about it. In 2008 Shevchuk participated in a Dissenters March in St. Petersburg to show his dislike over Russia’s political climate. As a result of his actions, Shevchuk falls is seen negatively by the Russian government. His music never plays on Russian radio stations.
Shevchuk protest songs also reach out to war. Shevchuk long stood against war. It was an anti-Afghanistan War song that attracted the attention of the KGB in the 1980’s. Some of Shevchuk’s most powerful and saddest songs were written in protest of war. He visited soldiers fighting in Chechnya in the 1990’s and early 2000’s and performed free concerts in their honor. He toured and staged many concerts to protest wars, the profits he earns usually ending up being donated to those who suffered.
Shevchuk is Russia’s greatest musician. His career began in 1980 and since then has not stopped rolling. He still writes wonderful music, full of meaning and sound. His poetry critiques the faults of Russia and paints a picture of what life is like. He sponsors young Russian rock musicians in order to keep Russian rock alive. A great humanitarian, artist, and man, Shevchuk should never stop playing.
I would like you, Ms.Basko, to look at the following:
1. Does the essay fit exemplification requirements? If not, what needs to be added/cut?
2. The flow
3. Is there any part in the essay where I go overboard with information, beside the places I gave in the reflection, or where I do not expand enough?
4. The overall imprint left on the mind after the paper is read.
5. Any suggestions on an intro and a conclusion?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Welcome to Yollingdales! A home for retired sinners
Reflection:
After I read "All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at Church Bake Sale" I initially had no idea what direction to take with the paper. I racked my brain for a good topic and finally came upon writing about a retirement home. The seven deadly sins committed by geezers had a high humor value. I had no problem with coming up with a way to write the paper once I had a setting. I felt that creating a story with dialogue would be the best way to exemplify the 7 deadly sins. The essay flowed easily from there. I was able to create a story and develop my characters enough to have them exemplify all the sins.
After rereading the draft recently, I see that I did an overall good job. The only problems come in further development. Some characters require a little more clarity. These include George, Herbert, Corey, and Paul.
Herbert, for example, has only three very small parts in the essay. Two of those parts are at the end and he isn't directly in them. In the beginning, I want to elaborate on Herbert and further develop the sin of lust. At the end, I want to include the reason for why Harry hates Herbert so much.
"“He keeps screwing with Rebecca. And the bitch keeps responding. That can’t happened.” Resentfully hisses Harry.
“Hot damn! That old age fried your brain Harry.”
“Shut up and just whack him. Keep my cut until then.” Harry leaves the bathroom.
“Fine, fine. Ill keep your cut you messed up piece of shit. More money for me.” Mutters Paul as he also leaves the bathroom." I will either add a new phrase to Paul's dialog or supplement Harry's.
Adding the reason will expand the plot and further develop Harry's sins of lust and envy.
With George, I need to further develop the sin of pride. He is a WWII vet, and perhaps I can add a part to his dialog when he talks to Petey and Corey.
""Petey who’re you kiddin? You haven’t done an honest bit of work since I got here.” George laughs, “I nearly missed to take my pills twice cause your lazy ass wont get up to give em to me.”
“George let Petey be. No one wants to hear those annoying stories of you trying to shoot at Nazis 300 years ago!” Corey shouts from across the hall.
Petey looks thankful for the opportunity to leave." The added part will come in this section
The sins committed by the other characters are all pretty easy to identify
Mechanics is the other issue. I messed up with paragraphing the dialog. I begin a new paragraph when someone started talking when I should only begin a new paragraph when the speaker or location of action changes(see the revision of this essay for a direct example from the essay).
Other than this, the essay is good. It flows well, with three connected and relevant parts.
I particularly like the ability to swear. It's not everyday you are allowed to do so.
“GO YOU LAZY BASTARD! Or I swear ill rip you head off and stick it so far up your ass you’ll smell your throat.”
That is by far my most favorite piece of dialog. Really adds to Petey's character.
Here is the first draft:
Yollingdales retirement home 7 deadly sins
“OHH yea” says Herbert as he looks at Rebecca, a 23 year old nurse at Yollingdales retirement home, bending over to fix the television antennae. Harry, sitting nearby, is disgusted.
“Herbert, you pervert stop starring at her ass!”
Rebecca realizes Herbert’s evil scheme and begins to walk away half-amused half-agitated.
“Harry what the hell is your problem?!” angrily questions Herbert
At this time, Corey the manager runs by looking furious.
“PETEY! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND COME HELP ME!!!”
The attendant in question falls flat off his chair, the magazine he was reading thrown into freefall. He collects himself, and then hurries to catch up to his boss. Both make their way to room 413 where already a buzzing crowd has gathered.
“Let me through!” commands Corey
“Damn the smell is unbearable” comments Petey
“Shut up!” Corey says crossly
The room, number 413, belongs to Frank Marongello. Upon entry into the room, Corey is confronted with a wall of nauseous fumes that causes him to bring the top of his shirt over his nose and mutter
“Jesus!”
Frank’s room is dark and gives off a barren appearance. The floor is littered with old food containers and the used-to-be-white carpet is yellow and stained. The place is sparsely furnished. A table stands in one corner and a bed in the other. On the bed lays a larger than life man, his fat literally rolling off the sides of the yellow mattress. Frank is a nasty fellow. His whitish-yellow wife-beater cannot accommodate his huge stomach therefore allowing the big, white, and hairy mountain that is his beer belly to protrude over it. He isn’t wearing any pants but instead a pair of brownish-white boxer briefs. Frank is bald and his features are all bloated. His face is snow white. The lips purple and the eyes open but hidden behind the eyelids. It’s obvious he’s dead.
“Petey go call 911”
“AWW do I have to?”
“GO YOU LAZY BASTARD! Or I swear ill rip you head off and stick it so far up your ass you’ll smell your throat.”
And with that bit of encouragement Petey leaves to call an ambulance. Corey steps out of the room. The crowd outside is anxiously looking at him.
“DISPERSE! He’s dead”
A week passes. Paul is standing in front of his room. He looks at everyone walking by. No one makes eye contact. Petey walks by.
“Oi Petey. Come ‘ere”
Petey looks uncomfortable as he walks toward Paul.
“Did ya get ma money?”
“No, not yet sir.” Petey says shifting his weight from one foot to another.
“Well hurry up boy! That fat slob shoulda paid me on time. No one takes ma stuff and don’t pay me”
Petey remains silent, looking down.
“Alright you got a week kid. I want ma money. You feel me?”
“Yes Sir!”
“And what are you two conspirators yappin’ about?” George, an ex WWII vet asks opening the door to his room.
“Mind your own business George” says Paul as he is closing his door.
“Ah screw him. Say Petey wanna hear a story about my days in the service?” asks George excitedly
“Nah no thank you sir, I have to get back to work.”
“Petey who’re you kiddin? You haven’t done an honest bit of work since I got here.” George laughs, “I nearly missed to take my pills twice cause your lazy ass wont get up to give em to me.”
“George let Petey be. No one wants to hear those annoying stories of you trying to shoot at Nazis 300 years ago!” Corey shouts from across the hall.
Petey looks thankful for the opportunity to leave.
“Say Manager can I have a word?” George shouts back.
Corey walks up to George.
“This better not waste my time. I don’t give a crap about your WWII days. What d’ya want?” Corey asks bluntly.
George looks annoyed but contains himself.
“Whats the news on Frank?”
“I have no idea. The doctors say that he choked on something, they’re not certain though, the autopsy still needs to be done.”
“What a shame. He was huge, but he was a good man” George says thoughtfully.
“I knew someone like him once. I saved him from 3 Nazi bastards back in ’44. Damn I was good. Shot all three in the head.
“George shut UP!”
Corey walks away impatiently.
Two days pass. George ate bad crab at dinner the night before. It came back to haunt him and he found the nearest bathroom in order to relieve himself. Not 5 minutes into his crap, three pairs of shoes enter the bathroom. George remains silent. The three men begin to talk. George recognizes them to be Paul, Petey, and Harry.
“Here’s your money sir” Petey says.
“Finally, I was ‘bout to come by and ask ya” Pauls says, sounding pleased.
“Wheres my cut?” Viciously asks Harry.
“Hold the hell on! I gotta count it ‘n’ make sure the fatso didn’t eat any accidentally before he died.
All of them laugh mirthlessly.
“Ohh man killing that tub of lard was way too easy. Walk in, put in a pill, walk out.” Harry says to Paul.
“Ha, I bet. That’ll teach the bastard to pay his debts. N’ Petey, nice job not doing a damn thing. Without your lazy ass I dunno know how that pill would’ave found its way into Frankie’s throat. Here’s your cut.”
“Thank you sir.” Petey says gratefully and walks out.
“Now on to more pressing matters. When are you going to whack Herbert?” Harry asks savagely.
“Patience, Jesus! Why whack him? Soo much cheaper to jus’ scare him.”
“NO! I want that dick weed dead!”
“What in the world makes ya dislike the man so much?
“He keeps screwing with Rebecca. And the bitch keeps responding. That can’t happened.” Resentfully hisses Harry.
“Hot damn! That old age fried your brain Harry.”
“Shut up and just whack him. Keep my cut until then.” Harry leaves the bathroom.
“Fine, fine. Ill keep your cut you messed up piece of shit. More money for me.” Mutters Paul as he also leaves the bathroom.
George is stupefied.
So that’s who killed Frank. I gotta hurry up and wipe my ass. Corey has to know! He thinks to himself.
That night two men were arrested. Two persons were also found dead. A young nurse of 23 named Rebecca and a 69 year old resident of Yollingdales, Herbert, were found brutally murdered in the same bathroom George unloaded his crab. Paul and Petey, the two arrested, are not suspects in the murders. One resident, Harry, was nowhere to be found.
After I read "All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at Church Bake Sale" I initially had no idea what direction to take with the paper. I racked my brain for a good topic and finally came upon writing about a retirement home. The seven deadly sins committed by geezers had a high humor value. I had no problem with coming up with a way to write the paper once I had a setting. I felt that creating a story with dialogue would be the best way to exemplify the 7 deadly sins. The essay flowed easily from there. I was able to create a story and develop my characters enough to have them exemplify all the sins.
After rereading the draft recently, I see that I did an overall good job. The only problems come in further development. Some characters require a little more clarity. These include George, Herbert, Corey, and Paul.
Herbert, for example, has only three very small parts in the essay. Two of those parts are at the end and he isn't directly in them. In the beginning, I want to elaborate on Herbert and further develop the sin of lust. At the end, I want to include the reason for why Harry hates Herbert so much.
"“He keeps screwing with Rebecca. And the bitch keeps responding. That can’t happened.” Resentfully hisses Harry.
“Hot damn! That old age fried your brain Harry.”
“Shut up and just whack him. Keep my cut until then.” Harry leaves the bathroom.
“Fine, fine. Ill keep your cut you messed up piece of shit. More money for me.” Mutters Paul as he also leaves the bathroom." I will either add a new phrase to Paul's dialog or supplement Harry's.
Adding the reason will expand the plot and further develop Harry's sins of lust and envy.
With George, I need to further develop the sin of pride. He is a WWII vet, and perhaps I can add a part to his dialog when he talks to Petey and Corey.
""Petey who’re you kiddin? You haven’t done an honest bit of work since I got here.” George laughs, “I nearly missed to take my pills twice cause your lazy ass wont get up to give em to me.”
“George let Petey be. No one wants to hear those annoying stories of you trying to shoot at Nazis 300 years ago!” Corey shouts from across the hall.
Petey looks thankful for the opportunity to leave." The added part will come in this section
The sins committed by the other characters are all pretty easy to identify
Mechanics is the other issue. I messed up with paragraphing the dialog. I begin a new paragraph when someone started talking when I should only begin a new paragraph when the speaker or location of action changes(see the revision of this essay for a direct example from the essay).
Other than this, the essay is good. It flows well, with three connected and relevant parts.
I particularly like the ability to swear. It's not everyday you are allowed to do so.
“GO YOU LAZY BASTARD! Or I swear ill rip you head off and stick it so far up your ass you’ll smell your throat.”
That is by far my most favorite piece of dialog. Really adds to Petey's character.
Here is the first draft:
Yollingdales retirement home 7 deadly sins
“OHH yea” says Herbert as he looks at Rebecca, a 23 year old nurse at Yollingdales retirement home, bending over to fix the television antennae. Harry, sitting nearby, is disgusted.
“Herbert, you pervert stop starring at her ass!”
Rebecca realizes Herbert’s evil scheme and begins to walk away half-amused half-agitated.
“Harry what the hell is your problem?!” angrily questions Herbert
At this time, Corey the manager runs by looking furious.
“PETEY! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND COME HELP ME!!!”
The attendant in question falls flat off his chair, the magazine he was reading thrown into freefall. He collects himself, and then hurries to catch up to his boss. Both make their way to room 413 where already a buzzing crowd has gathered.
“Let me through!” commands Corey
“Damn the smell is unbearable” comments Petey
“Shut up!” Corey says crossly
The room, number 413, belongs to Frank Marongello. Upon entry into the room, Corey is confronted with a wall of nauseous fumes that causes him to bring the top of his shirt over his nose and mutter
“Jesus!”
Frank’s room is dark and gives off a barren appearance. The floor is littered with old food containers and the used-to-be-white carpet is yellow and stained. The place is sparsely furnished. A table stands in one corner and a bed in the other. On the bed lays a larger than life man, his fat literally rolling off the sides of the yellow mattress. Frank is a nasty fellow. His whitish-yellow wife-beater cannot accommodate his huge stomach therefore allowing the big, white, and hairy mountain that is his beer belly to protrude over it. He isn’t wearing any pants but instead a pair of brownish-white boxer briefs. Frank is bald and his features are all bloated. His face is snow white. The lips purple and the eyes open but hidden behind the eyelids. It’s obvious he’s dead.
“Petey go call 911”
“AWW do I have to?”
“GO YOU LAZY BASTARD! Or I swear ill rip you head off and stick it so far up your ass you’ll smell your throat.”
And with that bit of encouragement Petey leaves to call an ambulance. Corey steps out of the room. The crowd outside is anxiously looking at him.
“DISPERSE! He’s dead”
A week passes. Paul is standing in front of his room. He looks at everyone walking by. No one makes eye contact. Petey walks by.
“Oi Petey. Come ‘ere”
Petey looks uncomfortable as he walks toward Paul.
“Did ya get ma money?”
“No, not yet sir.” Petey says shifting his weight from one foot to another.
“Well hurry up boy! That fat slob shoulda paid me on time. No one takes ma stuff and don’t pay me”
Petey remains silent, looking down.
“Alright you got a week kid. I want ma money. You feel me?”
“Yes Sir!”
“And what are you two conspirators yappin’ about?” George, an ex WWII vet asks opening the door to his room.
“Mind your own business George” says Paul as he is closing his door.
“Ah screw him. Say Petey wanna hear a story about my days in the service?” asks George excitedly
“Nah no thank you sir, I have to get back to work.”
“Petey who’re you kiddin? You haven’t done an honest bit of work since I got here.” George laughs, “I nearly missed to take my pills twice cause your lazy ass wont get up to give em to me.”
“George let Petey be. No one wants to hear those annoying stories of you trying to shoot at Nazis 300 years ago!” Corey shouts from across the hall.
Petey looks thankful for the opportunity to leave.
“Say Manager can I have a word?” George shouts back.
Corey walks up to George.
“This better not waste my time. I don’t give a crap about your WWII days. What d’ya want?” Corey asks bluntly.
George looks annoyed but contains himself.
“Whats the news on Frank?”
“I have no idea. The doctors say that he choked on something, they’re not certain though, the autopsy still needs to be done.”
“What a shame. He was huge, but he was a good man” George says thoughtfully.
“I knew someone like him once. I saved him from 3 Nazi bastards back in ’44. Damn I was good. Shot all three in the head.
“George shut UP!”
Corey walks away impatiently.
Two days pass. George ate bad crab at dinner the night before. It came back to haunt him and he found the nearest bathroom in order to relieve himself. Not 5 minutes into his crap, three pairs of shoes enter the bathroom. George remains silent. The three men begin to talk. George recognizes them to be Paul, Petey, and Harry.
“Here’s your money sir” Petey says.
“Finally, I was ‘bout to come by and ask ya” Pauls says, sounding pleased.
“Wheres my cut?” Viciously asks Harry.
“Hold the hell on! I gotta count it ‘n’ make sure the fatso didn’t eat any accidentally before he died.
All of them laugh mirthlessly.
“Ohh man killing that tub of lard was way too easy. Walk in, put in a pill, walk out.” Harry says to Paul.
“Ha, I bet. That’ll teach the bastard to pay his debts. N’ Petey, nice job not doing a damn thing. Without your lazy ass I dunno know how that pill would’ave found its way into Frankie’s throat. Here’s your cut.”
“Thank you sir.” Petey says gratefully and walks out.
“Now on to more pressing matters. When are you going to whack Herbert?” Harry asks savagely.
“Patience, Jesus! Why whack him? Soo much cheaper to jus’ scare him.”
“NO! I want that dick weed dead!”
“What in the world makes ya dislike the man so much?
“He keeps screwing with Rebecca. And the bitch keeps responding. That can’t happened.” Resentfully hisses Harry.
“Hot damn! That old age fried your brain Harry.”
“Shut up and just whack him. Keep my cut until then.” Harry leaves the bathroom.
“Fine, fine. Ill keep your cut you messed up piece of shit. More money for me.” Mutters Paul as he also leaves the bathroom.
George is stupefied.
So that’s who killed Frank. I gotta hurry up and wipe my ass. Corey has to know! He thinks to himself.
That night two men were arrested. Two persons were also found dead. A young nurse of 23 named Rebecca and a 69 year old resident of Yollingdales, Herbert, were found brutally murdered in the same bathroom George unloaded his crab. Paul and Petey, the two arrested, are not suspects in the murders. One resident, Harry, was nowhere to be found.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Three new possible intros for the Chocolate Paper
I am going to try new techniques for introducing my paper. My original introduction uses factual statements, descriptions, a question, a personal experience, and a revelation. All of these techniques, however, are weakly present in the introduction. I want to utilize an arresting statistic, an appeal to a common experience, and a story. I feel that these techniques are better suited for my paper and would clearly present my intent.
Here is the original intro:
Chocolate has been a world favorite treat for centuries. There are a select few people around that actually do not know what chocolate is. It has been around for nearly 2000 years. The earliest recording of chocolate was found in the Latin America. This delectable treat today comes in many varieties and from many companies. Recently, I have had the opportunity to try several brands of chocolate and compare their characteristics. But first, here’s a bit of history.
The original uses statistics and facts. It is a very boring beginning. I do not think it draws the reader in at all.
1. Statistic. This technique requires a presentation of an interesting statistic that would draw a reader in
An average American consumes half a pound of chocolate a month. With more than 400 million Americans, more than 200 million pounds of chocolate are consumed in the U.S. in a month. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that that is A LOT of chocolate. As part of a class activity, I was able to try four brands of chocolate from four major chocolate producers: Lindt, Goviva, Hershey's, and Dove. These companies are very popular in the United States. I wanted to see what exactly causes the average American stomach to growl for that half a pound.
2. Common Appeal. This technique uses something many people have done in order to draw them into the essay.
Everyone has done it. You have, I have, your neighbor has. We all placed it in our mouth and savored the delicious sugary taste as it melts into our taste buds. I am of course talking about chocolate. What did you think? Nearly every person around today has had the pleasure of tasting that delectable brown treat. As part of a class activity, I tried four brands of chocolate from four popular chocolate companies: Godiva, Lindt, Hershey's, and Dove. My goal was to examine these four brands and decide what sets them apart and makes them so appealing.
3. Story. Using this technique requires the telling of an interesting story that would appeal to the reader and draw them in.
Ohh damn it! I think to myself as I am sitting on the couch watching T.V. My stomach has been growling for the past fifteen minuets and all I can think about is chocolate. It's brown smooth look and luscious feel when it melts in my mouth are the constant thoughts that race through my mind. Ohh damn it! I'll wait for the commercial break and go rummage through my cupboards, I finally say to myself. I begin to think then about what chocolate I really enjoy. Four brands come to mind immediately: Hershey's, Lindt, Dove, and Godiva. I wonder which one of them tastes the best. Once I get up to my chocolate cupboard and open it up, I decide to enact a little experiment based on my previous thought.
My favorite is the.... Hell, I actually like #1 and #2. I put a lot of effort into both intros. I tried to make the first one statistically appealing and the second one funny. I think I overall succeeded. The point of an intro, as I learned, is to set up the essay and to be an interesting draw, like a type of bait, that would get the reader to pick it up. With the first and second intros, I think I managed to get a potential reader interested in the paper. The third intro isn't bad, it is just a little too drawn out. In my opinion, a story intro for a chocolate paper isn't too fitting.
My peers seemed to enjoy the second one most. HURAH! Thats good. This means that my evaluation of the second intro has some truth behind it.
Here is the original intro:
Chocolate has been a world favorite treat for centuries. There are a select few people around that actually do not know what chocolate is. It has been around for nearly 2000 years. The earliest recording of chocolate was found in the Latin America. This delectable treat today comes in many varieties and from many companies. Recently, I have had the opportunity to try several brands of chocolate and compare their characteristics. But first, here’s a bit of history.
The original uses statistics and facts. It is a very boring beginning. I do not think it draws the reader in at all.
1. Statistic. This technique requires a presentation of an interesting statistic that would draw a reader in
An average American consumes half a pound of chocolate a month. With more than 400 million Americans, more than 200 million pounds of chocolate are consumed in the U.S. in a month. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that that is A LOT of chocolate. As part of a class activity, I was able to try four brands of chocolate from four major chocolate producers: Lindt, Goviva, Hershey's, and Dove. These companies are very popular in the United States. I wanted to see what exactly causes the average American stomach to growl for that half a pound.
2. Common Appeal. This technique uses something many people have done in order to draw them into the essay.
Everyone has done it. You have, I have, your neighbor has. We all placed it in our mouth and savored the delicious sugary taste as it melts into our taste buds. I am of course talking about chocolate. What did you think? Nearly every person around today has had the pleasure of tasting that delectable brown treat. As part of a class activity, I tried four brands of chocolate from four popular chocolate companies: Godiva, Lindt, Hershey's, and Dove. My goal was to examine these four brands and decide what sets them apart and makes them so appealing.
3. Story. Using this technique requires the telling of an interesting story that would appeal to the reader and draw them in.
Ohh damn it! I think to myself as I am sitting on the couch watching T.V. My stomach has been growling for the past fifteen minuets and all I can think about is chocolate. It's brown smooth look and luscious feel when it melts in my mouth are the constant thoughts that race through my mind. Ohh damn it! I'll wait for the commercial break and go rummage through my cupboards, I finally say to myself. I begin to think then about what chocolate I really enjoy. Four brands come to mind immediately: Hershey's, Lindt, Dove, and Godiva. I wonder which one of them tastes the best. Once I get up to my chocolate cupboard and open it up, I decide to enact a little experiment based on my previous thought.
My favorite is the.... Hell, I actually like #1 and #2. I put a lot of effort into both intros. I tried to make the first one statistically appealing and the second one funny. I think I overall succeeded. The point of an intro, as I learned, is to set up the essay and to be an interesting draw, like a type of bait, that would get the reader to pick it up. With the first and second intros, I think I managed to get a potential reader interested in the paper. The third intro isn't bad, it is just a little too drawn out. In my opinion, a story intro for a chocolate paper isn't too fitting.
My peers seemed to enjoy the second one most. HURAH! Thats good. This means that my evaluation of the second intro has some truth behind it.
Chocolate oh chocolate. Yet again
Reflection:
I revisited the essay and tried to clean it up a bit. I worked out and basically created a new introduction that would encompass everything I want to include in this paper. My word choice and how I structured the paragraph made it a better introduction than the previous draft. I went from a personal anecdote/statistical/factual beginning right into describing the class activity. There were no breaks and that spiky part flowed smoothly:
"This sweet comes in many varieties and from many companies. Recently, I have had the opportunity to try several brands of chocolate and compare their characteristics. I was amazed to find out that the chocolate brands I tried are very similar to one another."
I continued with my apparent problem to the end of the paragraph where I neatly tied in what I was going to write about, my thesis.
"Chocolate, so simple a food and apparently so monotonous actually comes in countless different varieties and flavors. The answer to this puzzle involves the composition, different ingredients, and even the history of chocolate."
The intro now introduced the piece way better than its predecessor in the previous draft. Not to mention, it had a decent flow to it.
I next proceeded to beefing up the class activity part of the essay and correcting my conclusion. Each of the class activity paragraphs, of which there are five, are all larger in size as I further explained the differences between the brands. In particular, I delved deeper into the tastes of the brands and further described the differences.
Here is the first drafts description on the tastes:
"Even when placed in the mouth, the four brands were identical. All were somewhat hard to bite into, but once in the mouth, they crumbled and melted creating a sticky sugary mess. The only difference came in the taste. The four companies made their mark here. Hersheys had a more bitter taste. Dove melted fast and featured a milky, sugary taste. Godiva and Lindt both shared a distinct condensed milk flavor."
Here is the new and improved paragraph on tastes:
"Even when placed in the mouth, the four brands were identical. All were somewhat hard to bite into, but once in the mouth, they crumbled and melted creating a sticky sugary mess. The taste of this mess, however, defined the chocolate and separated the different companies. Lindt and Godiva both featured a refined taste. The milky sugary cocoa taste clearly stood out and made the taste buds moan for more. Dove had a more typical chocolate taste. The milk part was rather dull while the chocolate flavor shined. Hershey’s had the most distinct taste of all. The milk, chocolate, and cocoa flavors were very clearly present. However, Hershey’s chocolate produced a rather unpleasant aftertaste. Be it from over usage of one of the primary ingredients or another cause, but something stuck to the back of the throat and tasted bitter."
I definitely used more detail.
History is definitely not the major part of the paper, as it once was. I shortened out unnecessary information, like the long description of how a chocolate bar was created (as mentioned in the previous posting about this paper)
After several rereads I realized that including history and composition does not mix too well with the class activity and the requirements set for this paper by Mrs. Basko. It's almost like I'm writing two separate essays, one on the composition and history, and one on the class activity. This split comes in the third paragraph when I go from the composition to introducing the class activity:
"The different tastes and flavors of chocolate are determined by the combinations of amounts of cocoa butter, milk, and sugar. All the different companies around today have capitalized on different combinations and by adding distinct ingredients, like raisins or almonds. This play on combinations and ingredients has produced the multitude of variations that stock stores worldwide. As part of a class activity, I have had the pleasure of tasting chocolate from four different companies: Godiva, Lindt, Hershey, and Dove." The bold shows the sudden shift in the paper
This split does not kill the paper, all it does to the paper is hinder it's flow. If I was to revise the paper again, I would attempt to get rid of this split by attempting to tie in the class activity better with the composition.
The new conclusion is very short and simple but it ties everything together. I would only change it by adding more statistics. Thats pretty much It.
Heres the new draft:
The World Renowned Sticky Sugary Mess
When the word dessert comes to mind, I immediately envision chocolate. This savory delight has been around for nearly 2000 years and it doesn’t look like it will go away. It is so well known that it is safe to say that there are only a select few around today that don’t know what chocolate is. This sweet comes in many varieties and from many companies. Recently, I have had the opportunity to try several brands of chocolate and compare their characteristics. I was amazed to find out that the chocolate brands I tried are very similar to one another. Yet, at the same time, each brand presented a different flavor and left its own impression. How does this happen? My dilemma correlates directly to the rest of the chocolate world. Chocolate, so simple a food and apparently so monotonous actually comes in countless different varieties and flavors. The answer to this puzzle involves the composition, different ingredients, and even the history of chocolate.
A historical perspective on chocolate provides an insight as to why chocolate is so similar, yet diverse. At its start chocolate was actually consumed as a drink, not an edible food source. Sugar wasn’t even used. The Aztecs created a bitter drink from cocoa beans and called it xocoatl. The Spanish were the first Europeans to find out about chocolate when they arrived to Latin America and sampled the local cuisine. According to legend the Aztec king Montezuma welcomed the Spanish explorer Hernando Cortes with a banquet that included drinking chocolate, having mistaken the invader for a deity. Chocolate wasn’t popular at first, everyone hated the bitter taste, but once mixed with honey or cane sugar, it quickly became a Spanish favorite. By the 17th century, chocolate was a fashionable drink throughout Europe, believed to have nutritious, medicinal, and even aphrodisiac properties. It remained largely a privilege of the rich until the invention of the steam engine made mass production possible late in the 18th century. It wasn’t until 1847 that the first modern chocolate bar came into existence. This was largely due to a man called Joseph Fry who discovered that he could make a moldable chocolate paste. By 1868, a little English company called Cadbury was marketing boxes of chocolate candies in England. Milk Chocolate hit the market a few years later, pioneered by Nestle. As can be seen, chocolate as we know it today has actually been around for only about 160 years. With human innovation kicking off right around the time bar chocolate was born, it is no small wonder that the many different styles around today were created. But history alone leaves many blanks. The reasons for chocolate’s similarities lie in its structure.
All chocolate is created the same. The mother of all chocolate is the cocoa plant. The plant itself, if eaten, is actually toxic. From the plant, however, is squeezed cocoa butter. Cocoa butter is a type of vegetable oil that serves as the primary ingredient in every bit of chocolate in the world. The different tastes and flavors of chocolate are determined by the combinations of amounts of cocoa butter, milk, and sugar. All the different companies around today have capitalized on different combinations and by adding distinct ingredients, like raisins or almonds. This play on combinations and ingredients has produced the multitude of variations that stock stores worldwide. As part of a class activity, I have had the pleasure of tasting chocolate from four different companies: Godiva, Lindt, Hershey, and Dove.
The packaging each company used was somewhat similar. Each company except for dove enveloped their product in paper. Godiva went a step further and surrounded the paper with cardboard. Dove, the only exception, put its product into foil and that foil into a bag. Even the color play on the packaging was identical. Dark colors, like black and brown, were mixed with gold and bronze. Only Lindt stood out with white and blue colors. The packaging, however, isn’t the important part. Once you rip it off to get to the good stuff, you hardly ever think about it again.
With the packaging ripped off on the floor, the tasting could begin. On the surface, all the different brands of chocolate from the companies look and feel the same. All four brands featured a smooth, even lustrous, appearance. The only difference came with color. Although predominantly on the brown side of the color spectrum, some brands, like Dove and Hershey, were dark brown while Lindt and Godiva were light brown to regular brown. Feeling them also made no difference. They all shared the same characteristic: smoothness.
Even when placed in the mouth, the four brands were identical. All were somewhat hard to bite into, but once in the mouth, they crumbled and melted creating a sticky sugary mess. The taste of this mess, however, defined the chocolate and separated the different companies. Lindt and Godiva both featured a refined taste. The milky sugary cocoa taste clearly stood out and made the taste buds moan for more. Dove had a more typical chocolate taste. The milk part was rather dull while the chocolate flavor shined. Hershey’s had the most distinct taste of all. The milk, chocolate, and cocoa flavors were very clearly present. However, Hershey’s chocolate produced a rather unpleasant aftertaste. Be it from over usage of one of the primary ingredients or another cause, but something stuck to the back of the throat and tasted bitter.
Of them all, I preferred Lindt. This company did a good job presenting and creating their product. Lindt had that refined flavor you dream about when you hunger for chocolate. Once you had one piece, you immediately wanted another one. The packaging was also unique. Lindt did away from the ordinary gold, brown, and black to feature blue. If walking by a chocolate isle in a supermarket, Lindt packaging would stand out.
As a chocolate lover, I don’t discriminate against the brand of chocolate. I could eat any kind and still receive great pleasure. It is truly a mystery when one such product is so spread out and able to give pleasure to so many. It is even more a mystery when this product is created from very identical means but comes in countless forms. The history, composition, and ingredients used all play a role explaining why chocolate is so alike yet so different.
I revisited the essay and tried to clean it up a bit. I worked out and basically created a new introduction that would encompass everything I want to include in this paper. My word choice and how I structured the paragraph made it a better introduction than the previous draft. I went from a personal anecdote/statistical/factual beginning right into describing the class activity. There were no breaks and that spiky part flowed smoothly:
"This sweet comes in many varieties and from many companies. Recently, I have had the opportunity to try several brands of chocolate and compare their characteristics. I was amazed to find out that the chocolate brands I tried are very similar to one another."
I continued with my apparent problem to the end of the paragraph where I neatly tied in what I was going to write about, my thesis.
"Chocolate, so simple a food and apparently so monotonous actually comes in countless different varieties and flavors. The answer to this puzzle involves the composition, different ingredients, and even the history of chocolate."
The intro now introduced the piece way better than its predecessor in the previous draft. Not to mention, it had a decent flow to it.
I next proceeded to beefing up the class activity part of the essay and correcting my conclusion. Each of the class activity paragraphs, of which there are five, are all larger in size as I further explained the differences between the brands. In particular, I delved deeper into the tastes of the brands and further described the differences.
Here is the first drafts description on the tastes:
"Even when placed in the mouth, the four brands were identical. All were somewhat hard to bite into, but once in the mouth, they crumbled and melted creating a sticky sugary mess. The only difference came in the taste. The four companies made their mark here. Hersheys had a more bitter taste. Dove melted fast and featured a milky, sugary taste. Godiva and Lindt both shared a distinct condensed milk flavor."
Here is the new and improved paragraph on tastes:
"Even when placed in the mouth, the four brands were identical. All were somewhat hard to bite into, but once in the mouth, they crumbled and melted creating a sticky sugary mess. The taste of this mess, however, defined the chocolate and separated the different companies. Lindt and Godiva both featured a refined taste. The milky sugary cocoa taste clearly stood out and made the taste buds moan for more. Dove had a more typical chocolate taste. The milk part was rather dull while the chocolate flavor shined. Hershey’s had the most distinct taste of all. The milk, chocolate, and cocoa flavors were very clearly present. However, Hershey’s chocolate produced a rather unpleasant aftertaste. Be it from over usage of one of the primary ingredients or another cause, but something stuck to the back of the throat and tasted bitter."
I definitely used more detail.
History is definitely not the major part of the paper, as it once was. I shortened out unnecessary information, like the long description of how a chocolate bar was created (as mentioned in the previous posting about this paper)
After several rereads I realized that including history and composition does not mix too well with the class activity and the requirements set for this paper by Mrs. Basko. It's almost like I'm writing two separate essays, one on the composition and history, and one on the class activity. This split comes in the third paragraph when I go from the composition to introducing the class activity:
"The different tastes and flavors of chocolate are determined by the combinations of amounts of cocoa butter, milk, and sugar. All the different companies around today have capitalized on different combinations and by adding distinct ingredients, like raisins or almonds. This play on combinations and ingredients has produced the multitude of variations that stock stores worldwide. As part of a class activity, I have had the pleasure of tasting chocolate from four different companies: Godiva, Lindt, Hershey, and Dove." The bold shows the sudden shift in the paper
This split does not kill the paper, all it does to the paper is hinder it's flow. If I was to revise the paper again, I would attempt to get rid of this split by attempting to tie in the class activity better with the composition.
The new conclusion is very short and simple but it ties everything together. I would only change it by adding more statistics. Thats pretty much It.
Heres the new draft:
The World Renowned Sticky Sugary Mess
When the word dessert comes to mind, I immediately envision chocolate. This savory delight has been around for nearly 2000 years and it doesn’t look like it will go away. It is so well known that it is safe to say that there are only a select few around today that don’t know what chocolate is. This sweet comes in many varieties and from many companies. Recently, I have had the opportunity to try several brands of chocolate and compare their characteristics. I was amazed to find out that the chocolate brands I tried are very similar to one another. Yet, at the same time, each brand presented a different flavor and left its own impression. How does this happen? My dilemma correlates directly to the rest of the chocolate world. Chocolate, so simple a food and apparently so monotonous actually comes in countless different varieties and flavors. The answer to this puzzle involves the composition, different ingredients, and even the history of chocolate.
A historical perspective on chocolate provides an insight as to why chocolate is so similar, yet diverse. At its start chocolate was actually consumed as a drink, not an edible food source. Sugar wasn’t even used. The Aztecs created a bitter drink from cocoa beans and called it xocoatl. The Spanish were the first Europeans to find out about chocolate when they arrived to Latin America and sampled the local cuisine. According to legend the Aztec king Montezuma welcomed the Spanish explorer Hernando Cortes with a banquet that included drinking chocolate, having mistaken the invader for a deity. Chocolate wasn’t popular at first, everyone hated the bitter taste, but once mixed with honey or cane sugar, it quickly became a Spanish favorite. By the 17th century, chocolate was a fashionable drink throughout Europe, believed to have nutritious, medicinal, and even aphrodisiac properties. It remained largely a privilege of the rich until the invention of the steam engine made mass production possible late in the 18th century. It wasn’t until 1847 that the first modern chocolate bar came into existence. This was largely due to a man called Joseph Fry who discovered that he could make a moldable chocolate paste. By 1868, a little English company called Cadbury was marketing boxes of chocolate candies in England. Milk Chocolate hit the market a few years later, pioneered by Nestle. As can be seen, chocolate as we know it today has actually been around for only about 160 years. With human innovation kicking off right around the time bar chocolate was born, it is no small wonder that the many different styles around today were created. But history alone leaves many blanks. The reasons for chocolate’s similarities lie in its structure.
All chocolate is created the same. The mother of all chocolate is the cocoa plant. The plant itself, if eaten, is actually toxic. From the plant, however, is squeezed cocoa butter. Cocoa butter is a type of vegetable oil that serves as the primary ingredient in every bit of chocolate in the world. The different tastes and flavors of chocolate are determined by the combinations of amounts of cocoa butter, milk, and sugar. All the different companies around today have capitalized on different combinations and by adding distinct ingredients, like raisins or almonds. This play on combinations and ingredients has produced the multitude of variations that stock stores worldwide. As part of a class activity, I have had the pleasure of tasting chocolate from four different companies: Godiva, Lindt, Hershey, and Dove.
The packaging each company used was somewhat similar. Each company except for dove enveloped their product in paper. Godiva went a step further and surrounded the paper with cardboard. Dove, the only exception, put its product into foil and that foil into a bag. Even the color play on the packaging was identical. Dark colors, like black and brown, were mixed with gold and bronze. Only Lindt stood out with white and blue colors. The packaging, however, isn’t the important part. Once you rip it off to get to the good stuff, you hardly ever think about it again.
With the packaging ripped off on the floor, the tasting could begin. On the surface, all the different brands of chocolate from the companies look and feel the same. All four brands featured a smooth, even lustrous, appearance. The only difference came with color. Although predominantly on the brown side of the color spectrum, some brands, like Dove and Hershey, were dark brown while Lindt and Godiva were light brown to regular brown. Feeling them also made no difference. They all shared the same characteristic: smoothness.
Even when placed in the mouth, the four brands were identical. All were somewhat hard to bite into, but once in the mouth, they crumbled and melted creating a sticky sugary mess. The taste of this mess, however, defined the chocolate and separated the different companies. Lindt and Godiva both featured a refined taste. The milky sugary cocoa taste clearly stood out and made the taste buds moan for more. Dove had a more typical chocolate taste. The milk part was rather dull while the chocolate flavor shined. Hershey’s had the most distinct taste of all. The milk, chocolate, and cocoa flavors were very clearly present. However, Hershey’s chocolate produced a rather unpleasant aftertaste. Be it from over usage of one of the primary ingredients or another cause, but something stuck to the back of the throat and tasted bitter.
Of them all, I preferred Lindt. This company did a good job presenting and creating their product. Lindt had that refined flavor you dream about when you hunger for chocolate. Once you had one piece, you immediately wanted another one. The packaging was also unique. Lindt did away from the ordinary gold, brown, and black to feature blue. If walking by a chocolate isle in a supermarket, Lindt packaging would stand out.
As a chocolate lover, I don’t discriminate against the brand of chocolate. I could eat any kind and still receive great pleasure. It is truly a mystery when one such product is so spread out and able to give pleasure to so many. It is even more a mystery when this product is created from very identical means but comes in countless forms. The history, composition, and ingredients used all play a role explaining why chocolate is so alike yet so different.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
La Papier DE food
Reflection:
The paper was adequate length and included a wealth of information. However, I seem to lose focus and toward the end I am on the verge of a random streak. In the draft I wanted to include a history, some statistics, and the process for creating chocolate. I also intended to use the class activity in the paper. The hardest part was making it all come together. How do you mix history and a class activity in one paper? While trying to answer this question, I hit a writers block. While I think I succeeded in including everything I wanted into the paper, the result is essentially blocks of unconnected information. I have a history, the class activity, the process for creating chocolate, and some statistics but everything lacks transition. The paper jumps randomly from one topic to another without much notice.
The only thing I though I did well was the history. It was extremely interesting to find out where chocolate came from and I think I reflected that interest in the paper. However, like the rest of my paper, it is flawed. The history paragraph is very long and imbalances the paper.
My partner was of no major assistance. He read the paper and said it was good.
To conclude, I need major revisions on this paper. Transitions, paragraph balance, and a proper introduction and conclusion are required.
Now, to example some stuff I need to do:
For the intro: I say "heres a bit of history" and then most of my paper is history. I need to cut that phrase out entirely and definitely add a description of the class activity that I mention in two short paragraphs at the end. For a successful intro, I need something that would draw the reader in. I don't have that something. A statistic, quote, anecdote, something needs to be added.
This ties directly with paragraph balance. As my "bit" of history takes up most of the paper.
The conclusion needs to be redone to better mirror the intro and the rest of the paper. I should perhaps restate the intro in other words or tie everything together with a nice statistic, question or appeal. As I learned, conclusions are better worked on after the essay has been written.
My disconnectedness throughout the essay manifests itself in the transitions. For example, I go from "By 1868, a little English company called Cadbury was marketing boxes of chocolate candies in England. Milk Chocolate hit the market a few years later, pioneered by Nestle," ending my history paragraph, right to how chocolate is made and then, a few sentences later, weakly tie in the class activity with the following "All the different companies around today have capitalized on different combinations and by adding distinct ingredients, like raisins and almonds. I have had the pleasure of tasting chocolate from four different companies: Godiva, Lindt, Hershey, and Dove." Then, BAM, I'm into the class activity.
To me, this is happened way too fast and unexpectedly. I need to either take out the whole piece on how chocolate is made and focus on the class activity right after the history or I need to elaborate more on how chocolate is made and then build up the introduction to the class activity before I actually get into into the activity itself.
The history needs to get shortened. I get into too much detail. To give an example,here is a part of the paragraph: "In 1828, a Dutch chemist found a way to make powdered chocolate by removing about half the natural fat from chocolate liquor, crushing the rest and treating the mixture with alkaline salts to get rid of the bitter taste. His product soon led to the creation of solid chocolate. It wasn’t until 1847 that the first modern chocolate bar came into existence. This was largely due to a man called Joseph Fry who discovered that he could make a moldable paste by adding melted cacao butter back into Dutch cocoa. By 1868, a little English company called Cadbury was marketing boxes of chocolate candies in England. Milk Chocolate hit the market a few years later, pioneered by Nestle."
Out of this monster bit of historical information, all the reader needs to know is that in 1847 the modern chocolate bar came into existence thanks to Joseph Fry, that by 1868 Cadbury was producing boxed chocolate, and that Nestle made milk chocolate a short while after 1868. With shortening the history has to come the beefing up the other paragraphs (mainly the class activity ones).
Finally, here is the paper:
Chocolate has been a world favorite treat for centuries. There are a select few people around that actually do not know what chocolate is. It has been around for nearly 2000 years. The earliest recording of chocolate was found in the Latin America. This delectable treat today comes in many varieties and from many companies. Recently, I have had the opportunity to try several brands of chocolate and compare their characteristics. But first, here’s a bit of history.
The word “chocolate” entered the English language from the Spanish. How the Spanish came up with the word is less certain. The most cited explanation is that the word comes from Nahuatl, the language of the Aztecs. For most of its existence, chocolate has actually been used as a drink, not an edible food source. Sugar wasn’t even used. The Aztecs created a bitter drink from cocoa beans and called it xocoatl. The Spanish were the first Europeans to find out about chocolate when they arrived to Latin America and sampled the local cuisine. According to legend the Aztec king Montezuma welcomed the Spanish explorer Hernando Cortes with a banquet that included drinking chocolate, having mistaken the invader for a deity. Chocolate wasn’t popular at first, everyone hated the bitter taste, but once mixed with honey or cane sugar, it quickly became a Spanish favorite. By the 17th century, chocolate was a fashionable drink throughout Europe, believed to have nutritious, medicinal, and even aphrodisiac properties. It remained largely a privilege of the rich until the invention of the steam engine made mass production possible late in the 18th century.In 1828, a Dutch chemist found a way to make powdered chocolate by removing about half the natural fat from chocolate liquor, crushing the rest and treating the mixture with alkaline salts to get rid of the bitter taste. His product soon led to the creation of solid chocolate. It wasn’t until 1847 that the first modern chocolate bar came into existence. This was largely due to a man called Joseph Fry who discovered that he could make a moldable paste by adding melted cacao butter back into Dutch cocoa. By 1868, a little English company called Cadbury was marketing boxes of chocolate candies in England. Milk Chocolate hit the market a few years later, pioneered by Nestle.
Today, all chocolate, no matter where it is comes from, is derived from the cocoa plant. The plant itself, if eaten, is actually toxic. From the plant, however, is squeezed cocoa butter. Cocoa butter is a type of vegetable oil. It is a primary ingredient in every bit of chocolate in the world. The different tastes and flavors of chocolate are determined by the combinations of amounts of cocoa butter, milk, and sugar. All the different companies around today have capitalized on different combinations and by adding distinct ingredients, like raisins and almonds. I have had the pleasure of tasting chocolate from four different companies: Godiva, Lindt, Hershey, and Dove.
On the surface, all the different brands of chocolate look and feel the same. All four brands featured a smooth, even lustrous, appearance. The only difference came with color. Although predominantly on the brown side of the color spectrum, some brands, like dove and Hershey, were dark brown while the rest were light brown to regular brown. Feeling them also made no difference. They all shared the same characteristic: smoothness.
Even when placed in the mouth, the four brands were identical. All were somewhat hard to bite into, but once in the mouth, they crumbled and melted creating a sticky sugary mess. The only difference came in the taste. The four companies made their mark here. Hersheys had a more bitter taste. Dove melted fast and featured a milky, sugary taste. Godiva and Lindt both shared a distinct condensed milk flavor.
Of them all, I preferred Lindt. This company did a good job presenting and creating their product. Lindt had the sweetest flavor of them all. Once you had one piece, you immediately wanted another one. The packaging was also the best. Lindt did away from the ordinary gold, brown, and black to feature blue.
Chocolate is truly a wondrous delicacy. Chocolate manufacturing is a $4+ billion-dollar industry in the U.S. and the average American eats at least half a pound of the stuff per month. I fell victim to its allure many times, and at times consume more than the average half a pound. I am not alone, I am sure. Perhaps the most interesting thing about chocolate is that it existed throughout the recorded history of man and still remains a strong part of human culture.
The paper was adequate length and included a wealth of information. However, I seem to lose focus and toward the end I am on the verge of a random streak. In the draft I wanted to include a history, some statistics, and the process for creating chocolate. I also intended to use the class activity in the paper. The hardest part was making it all come together. How do you mix history and a class activity in one paper? While trying to answer this question, I hit a writers block. While I think I succeeded in including everything I wanted into the paper, the result is essentially blocks of unconnected information. I have a history, the class activity, the process for creating chocolate, and some statistics but everything lacks transition. The paper jumps randomly from one topic to another without much notice.
The only thing I though I did well was the history. It was extremely interesting to find out where chocolate came from and I think I reflected that interest in the paper. However, like the rest of my paper, it is flawed. The history paragraph is very long and imbalances the paper.
My partner was of no major assistance. He read the paper and said it was good.
To conclude, I need major revisions on this paper. Transitions, paragraph balance, and a proper introduction and conclusion are required.
Now, to example some stuff I need to do:
For the intro: I say "heres a bit of history" and then most of my paper is history. I need to cut that phrase out entirely and definitely add a description of the class activity that I mention in two short paragraphs at the end. For a successful intro, I need something that would draw the reader in. I don't have that something. A statistic, quote, anecdote, something needs to be added.
This ties directly with paragraph balance. As my "bit" of history takes up most of the paper.
The conclusion needs to be redone to better mirror the intro and the rest of the paper. I should perhaps restate the intro in other words or tie everything together with a nice statistic, question or appeal. As I learned, conclusions are better worked on after the essay has been written.
My disconnectedness throughout the essay manifests itself in the transitions. For example, I go from "By 1868, a little English company called Cadbury was marketing boxes of chocolate candies in England. Milk Chocolate hit the market a few years later, pioneered by Nestle," ending my history paragraph, right to how chocolate is made and then, a few sentences later, weakly tie in the class activity with the following "All the different companies around today have capitalized on different combinations and by adding distinct ingredients, like raisins and almonds. I have had the pleasure of tasting chocolate from four different companies: Godiva, Lindt, Hershey, and Dove." Then, BAM, I'm into the class activity.
To me, this is happened way too fast and unexpectedly. I need to either take out the whole piece on how chocolate is made and focus on the class activity right after the history or I need to elaborate more on how chocolate is made and then build up the introduction to the class activity before I actually get into into the activity itself.
The history needs to get shortened. I get into too much detail. To give an example,here is a part of the paragraph: "In 1828, a Dutch chemist found a way to make powdered chocolate by removing about half the natural fat from chocolate liquor, crushing the rest and treating the mixture with alkaline salts to get rid of the bitter taste. His product soon led to the creation of solid chocolate. It wasn’t until 1847 that the first modern chocolate bar came into existence. This was largely due to a man called Joseph Fry who discovered that he could make a moldable paste by adding melted cacao butter back into Dutch cocoa. By 1868, a little English company called Cadbury was marketing boxes of chocolate candies in England. Milk Chocolate hit the market a few years later, pioneered by Nestle."
Out of this monster bit of historical information, all the reader needs to know is that in 1847 the modern chocolate bar came into existence thanks to Joseph Fry, that by 1868 Cadbury was producing boxed chocolate, and that Nestle made milk chocolate a short while after 1868. With shortening the history has to come the beefing up the other paragraphs (mainly the class activity ones).
Finally, here is the paper:
Chocolate has been a world favorite treat for centuries. There are a select few people around that actually do not know what chocolate is. It has been around for nearly 2000 years. The earliest recording of chocolate was found in the Latin America. This delectable treat today comes in many varieties and from many companies. Recently, I have had the opportunity to try several brands of chocolate and compare their characteristics. But first, here’s a bit of history.
The word “chocolate” entered the English language from the Spanish. How the Spanish came up with the word is less certain. The most cited explanation is that the word comes from Nahuatl, the language of the Aztecs. For most of its existence, chocolate has actually been used as a drink, not an edible food source. Sugar wasn’t even used. The Aztecs created a bitter drink from cocoa beans and called it xocoatl. The Spanish were the first Europeans to find out about chocolate when they arrived to Latin America and sampled the local cuisine. According to legend the Aztec king Montezuma welcomed the Spanish explorer Hernando Cortes with a banquet that included drinking chocolate, having mistaken the invader for a deity. Chocolate wasn’t popular at first, everyone hated the bitter taste, but once mixed with honey or cane sugar, it quickly became a Spanish favorite. By the 17th century, chocolate was a fashionable drink throughout Europe, believed to have nutritious, medicinal, and even aphrodisiac properties. It remained largely a privilege of the rich until the invention of the steam engine made mass production possible late in the 18th century.In 1828, a Dutch chemist found a way to make powdered chocolate by removing about half the natural fat from chocolate liquor, crushing the rest and treating the mixture with alkaline salts to get rid of the bitter taste. His product soon led to the creation of solid chocolate. It wasn’t until 1847 that the first modern chocolate bar came into existence. This was largely due to a man called Joseph Fry who discovered that he could make a moldable paste by adding melted cacao butter back into Dutch cocoa. By 1868, a little English company called Cadbury was marketing boxes of chocolate candies in England. Milk Chocolate hit the market a few years later, pioneered by Nestle.
Today, all chocolate, no matter where it is comes from, is derived from the cocoa plant. The plant itself, if eaten, is actually toxic. From the plant, however, is squeezed cocoa butter. Cocoa butter is a type of vegetable oil. It is a primary ingredient in every bit of chocolate in the world. The different tastes and flavors of chocolate are determined by the combinations of amounts of cocoa butter, milk, and sugar. All the different companies around today have capitalized on different combinations and by adding distinct ingredients, like raisins and almonds. I have had the pleasure of tasting chocolate from four different companies: Godiva, Lindt, Hershey, and Dove.
On the surface, all the different brands of chocolate look and feel the same. All four brands featured a smooth, even lustrous, appearance. The only difference came with color. Although predominantly on the brown side of the color spectrum, some brands, like dove and Hershey, were dark brown while the rest were light brown to regular brown. Feeling them also made no difference. They all shared the same characteristic: smoothness.
Even when placed in the mouth, the four brands were identical. All were somewhat hard to bite into, but once in the mouth, they crumbled and melted creating a sticky sugary mess. The only difference came in the taste. The four companies made their mark here. Hersheys had a more bitter taste. Dove melted fast and featured a milky, sugary taste. Godiva and Lindt both shared a distinct condensed milk flavor.
Of them all, I preferred Lindt. This company did a good job presenting and creating their product. Lindt had the sweetest flavor of them all. Once you had one piece, you immediately wanted another one. The packaging was also the best. Lindt did away from the ordinary gold, brown, and black to feature blue.
Chocolate is truly a wondrous delicacy. Chocolate manufacturing is a $4+ billion-dollar industry in the U.S. and the average American eats at least half a pound of the stuff per month. I fell victim to its allure many times, and at times consume more than the average half a pound. I am not alone, I am sure. Perhaps the most interesting thing about chocolate is that it existed throughout the recorded history of man and still remains a strong part of human culture.
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