Welcome to Yollingdales! A home for retired sinners

Reflection:

After I read "All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at Church Bake Sale" I initially had no idea what direction to take with the paper. I racked my brain for a good topic and finally came upon writing about a retirement home. The seven deadly sins committed by geezers had a high humor value. I had no problem with coming up with a way to write the paper once I had a setting. I felt that creating a story with dialogue would be the best way to exemplify the 7 deadly sins. The essay flowed easily from there. I was able to create a story and develop my characters enough to have them exemplify all the sins.
After rereading the draft recently, I see that I did an overall good job. The only problems come in further development. Some characters require a little more clarity. These include George, Herbert, Corey, and Paul.

Herbert, for example, has only three very small parts in the essay. Two of those parts are at the end and he isn't directly in them. In the beginning, I want to elaborate on Herbert and further develop the sin of lust. At the end, I want to include the reason for why Harry hates Herbert so much.

"“He keeps screwing with Rebecca. And the bitch keeps responding. That can’t happened.” Resentfully hisses Harry.
“Hot damn! That old age fried your brain Harry.”
“Shut up and just whack him. Keep my cut until then.” Harry leaves the bathroom.
“Fine, fine. Ill keep your cut you messed up piece of shit. More money for me.” Mutters Paul as he also leaves the bathroom." I will either add a new phrase to Paul's dialog or supplement Harry's.

Adding the reason will expand the plot and further develop Harry's sins of lust and envy.

With George, I need to further develop the sin of pride. He is a WWII vet, and perhaps I can add a part to his dialog when he talks to Petey and Corey.

""Petey who’re you kiddin? You haven’t done an honest bit of work since I got here.” George laughs, “I nearly missed to take my pills twice cause your lazy ass wont get up to give em to me.”
“George let Petey be. No one wants to hear those annoying stories of you trying to shoot at Nazis 300 years ago!” Corey shouts from across the hall.
Petey looks thankful for the opportunity to leave." The added part will come in this section

The sins committed by the other characters are all pretty easy to identify

Mechanics is the other issue. I messed up with paragraphing the dialog. I begin a new paragraph when someone started talking when I should only begin a new paragraph when the speaker or location of action changes(see the revision of this essay for a direct example from the essay).

Other than this, the essay is good. It flows well, with three connected and relevant parts.
I particularly like the ability to swear. It's not everyday you are allowed to do so.

“GO YOU LAZY BASTARD! Or I swear ill rip you head off and stick it so far up your ass you’ll smell your throat.”
That is by far my most favorite piece of dialog. Really adds to Petey's character.


Here is the first draft:

Yollingdales retirement home 7 deadly sins

“OHH yea” says Herbert as he looks at Rebecca, a 23 year old nurse at Yollingdales retirement home, bending over to fix the television antennae. Harry, sitting nearby, is disgusted.
“Herbert, you pervert stop starring at her ass!”
Rebecca realizes Herbert’s evil scheme and begins to walk away half-amused half-agitated.
“Harry what the hell is your problem?!” angrily questions Herbert
At this time, Corey the manager runs by looking furious.
“PETEY! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND COME HELP ME!!!”
The attendant in question falls flat off his chair, the magazine he was reading thrown into freefall. He collects himself, and then hurries to catch up to his boss. Both make their way to room 413 where already a buzzing crowd has gathered.
“Let me through!” commands Corey
“Damn the smell is unbearable” comments Petey
“Shut up!” Corey says crossly
The room, number 413, belongs to Frank Marongello. Upon entry into the room, Corey is confronted with a wall of nauseous fumes that causes him to bring the top of his shirt over his nose and mutter
“Jesus!”
Frank’s room is dark and gives off a barren appearance. The floor is littered with old food containers and the used-to-be-white carpet is yellow and stained. The place is sparsely furnished. A table stands in one corner and a bed in the other. On the bed lays a larger than life man, his fat literally rolling off the sides of the yellow mattress. Frank is a nasty fellow. His whitish-yellow wife-beater cannot accommodate his huge stomach therefore allowing the big, white, and hairy mountain that is his beer belly to protrude over it. He isn’t wearing any pants but instead a pair of brownish-white boxer briefs. Frank is bald and his features are all bloated. His face is snow white. The lips purple and the eyes open but hidden behind the eyelids. It’s obvious he’s dead.
“Petey go call 911”
“AWW do I have to?”
“GO YOU LAZY BASTARD! Or I swear ill rip you head off and stick it so far up your ass you’ll smell your throat.”
And with that bit of encouragement Petey leaves to call an ambulance. Corey steps out of the room. The crowd outside is anxiously looking at him.
“DISPERSE! He’s dead”

A week passes. Paul is standing in front of his room. He looks at everyone walking by. No one makes eye contact. Petey walks by.
“Oi Petey. Come ‘ere”
Petey looks uncomfortable as he walks toward Paul.
“Did ya get ma money?”
“No, not yet sir.” Petey says shifting his weight from one foot to another.
“Well hurry up boy! That fat slob shoulda paid me on time. No one takes ma stuff and don’t pay me”
Petey remains silent, looking down.
“Alright you got a week kid. I want ma money. You feel me?”
“Yes Sir!”
“And what are you two conspirators yappin’ about?” George, an ex WWII vet asks opening the door to his room.
“Mind your own business George” says Paul as he is closing his door.
“Ah screw him. Say Petey wanna hear a story about my days in the service?” asks George excitedly
“Nah no thank you sir, I have to get back to work.”
“Petey who’re you kiddin? You haven’t done an honest bit of work since I got here.” George laughs, “I nearly missed to take my pills twice cause your lazy ass wont get up to give em to me.”
“George let Petey be. No one wants to hear those annoying stories of you trying to shoot at Nazis 300 years ago!” Corey shouts from across the hall.
Petey looks thankful for the opportunity to leave.
“Say Manager can I have a word?” George shouts back.
Corey walks up to George.
“This better not waste my time. I don’t give a crap about your WWII days. What d’ya want?” Corey asks bluntly.
George looks annoyed but contains himself.
“Whats the news on Frank?”
“I have no idea. The doctors say that he choked on something, they’re not certain though, the autopsy still needs to be done.”
“What a shame. He was huge, but he was a good man” George says thoughtfully.
“I knew someone like him once. I saved him from 3 Nazi bastards back in ’44. Damn I was good. Shot all three in the head.
“George shut UP!”
Corey walks away impatiently.

Two days pass. George ate bad crab at dinner the night before. It came back to haunt him and he found the nearest bathroom in order to relieve himself. Not 5 minutes into his crap, three pairs of shoes enter the bathroom. George remains silent. The three men begin to talk. George recognizes them to be Paul, Petey, and Harry.
“Here’s your money sir” Petey says.
“Finally, I was ‘bout to come by and ask ya” Pauls says, sounding pleased.
“Wheres my cut?” Viciously asks Harry.
“Hold the hell on! I gotta count it ‘n’ make sure the fatso didn’t eat any accidentally before he died.
All of them laugh mirthlessly.
“Ohh man killing that tub of lard was way too easy. Walk in, put in a pill, walk out.” Harry says to Paul.
“Ha, I bet. That’ll teach the bastard to pay his debts. N’ Petey, nice job not doing a damn thing. Without your lazy ass I dunno know how that pill would’ave found its way into Frankie’s throat. Here’s your cut.”
“Thank you sir.” Petey says gratefully and walks out.
“Now on to more pressing matters. When are you going to whack Herbert?” Harry asks savagely.
“Patience, Jesus! Why whack him? Soo much cheaper to jus’ scare him.”
“NO! I want that dick weed dead!”
“What in the world makes ya dislike the man so much?
“He keeps screwing with Rebecca. And the bitch keeps responding. That can’t happened.” Resentfully hisses Harry.
“Hot damn! That old age fried your brain Harry.”
“Shut up and just whack him. Keep my cut until then.” Harry leaves the bathroom.
“Fine, fine. Ill keep your cut you messed up piece of shit. More money for me.” Mutters Paul as he also leaves the bathroom.
George is stupefied.
So that’s who killed Frank. I gotta hurry up and wipe my ass. Corey has to know! He thinks to himself.

That night two men were arrested. Two persons were also found dead. A young nurse of 23 named Rebecca and a 69 year old resident of Yollingdales, Herbert, were found brutally murdered in the same bathroom George unloaded his crab. Paul and Petey, the two arrested, are not suspects in the murders. One resident, Harry, was nowhere to be found.